Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Pretty Girls Make Graves

I'm not the man you think I am


Hot girlfriends are great. Everybody wants one, except maybe gay guys, but even they like to hang out with smoking-hot chicks as arm candy. On first glance, Reds GM Wayne Krivsky (see pic) is not what you might consider remotely hot or a girl. But let's see where this takes us:

Hot girlfriends always announce their presence in a room, or your life for that matter, with panache. Krivsky certainly did that, first quietly signing Scott Hatteberg to replace Sean Casey at 1st base (upgrading the team offensively and defensively at a fraction of Casey's cost), then trading a 4th outfielder endlessly being compared to Sammy Sosa (a damning comparison if ever there was one) for an underpaid, undervalued, serviceable starter in Bronson Arroyo. Consider it a hand-job in a restaurant bathroom on the first date for the Reds.

Hot girlfriends keep the pressure on during the passionate courting phase. Krivsky follows up his offseason moves by picking up Dan Ross, another underrated gem, from the Dodgers, then gets Brandon Phillips off the Indians. Phillips and Ross put up great numbers from the get-go, and boy do the Indians look stupid for letting Phillips go. The team looks better than it has in years and wins some games in June for the first time in forever. They're in the hunt in the Central, the Cards look beatable, and they lead the Wild Card race. This is your proverbial hot sex in dirty new positions phase for the Reds. And...all their friends think the new girlfriend is AWESOME. Hot girlfriends are the shit.

Hot girlfriends are cruel, heartless bitches. On June 13th, 2006, Krivsky trades Austin Kearns, Felipe Lopez, and Ryan Wagner to the Nationals for Gary Majewski, Bill Bray, Royce Clayton, Brendan Harris and Daryl Thompson. In case you're keeping score, that's two 26-year old major league postion players about to enter their prime for two middle relievers, a 36 year-old shortstop, and two minor-leaguers. Shortly after the trade, Majewski goes on the DL and Reds fans everywhere search their homes for sharp objects. Krivsky acquires a ton of other middle relievers as the trade deadline nears, all at a fraction of the cost of the 5 Nats. The team implodes on a late season West coast road trip, and the Reds team ERA after the 7th inning is still MLB's 7th worst at 4.65. This is the "she murdered my pet rabbits in boiling water" phase for the Reds.

I love the Reds. Perhaps this relationship is salvageable. But to be honest...I've lost my faith in womanhood.


1 comment:

iheartsports said...

ah, charming fan, very charming but thats why i say you shouldn't date sports, date women. date women on sunday afternoons and monday nights between september and february and you could still get lucky- without sacrificing any bunnies....