I Started Something I Couldn't Finish

I started something
I forced you to a zone
And you were clearly
Never meant to go

After having to physically remove myself from watching the Bengals-Ravens season opener two weeks ago, I've been thinking a lot about the troubled history of Cincinnati sports in general and the Bengals in particular. The short version of the history is something like this:

1. The Reds - The Reds were terrible in the early 80's, but they got better in the late 80's. Pete Rose got kicked out of baseball, and then they won a World Series and were very competitive for about six seasons thereafter. They got royally screwed in the strike year when they had a 66-48 record, good enough for 1st place in the NL Central. They were good the year after, but no one seemed to care anymore. They've sucked ever since.
2. The Bengals - Vacillated between terrible and decent in the 80's under Sam Wyche. Were really good for a couple of seasons. Lost a heart breaker to the Niners in Super Bowl XXIII; a game that is constantly replayed on ESPN and the NFL network in attempt to further demoralize and humiliate Bengal fans. The Bengals went on to make the playoffs the next season and then sucked for 14 straight years. I mean really sucked, like "not a single winning season" sucked. Then they had another good season on 2005, won the AFC North, and tricked people into thinking they could be good for an extended period of time. Now they suck again.
3. The Xavier Musketeers - Really don't fit in to this equation at all. The most well run sports organization in Cincinnati for the last 25 years, hands down. The program has steadily improved through four different coaching regimes and two different conference affiliations. The team has made a postseason appearance in the NCAA tourney 17 times since 84-85, and appeared in two Elite Eight's in the last five years. They have had one losing season in the last 23 years. I just included them to make myself feel better, most Cincy sports fans don't really care about the Muskies, but clearly I do.

So I guess the question I'm really getting around to is this: can I bail on the Bengals for a little while? I had to do it in the 90's, and I didn't (and don't) regret a minute of it. I had a friend back in high school that kept trying to convince me, every fall, that this season was going to be different. Someone named Harold Green or Darnay Scott or Peter Warrick or Ki-Jana Carter was going to make a difference. I knew better back then. I went out of my way to pretty much ignore the entire NFL (this was before I did fantasy), and you know what? I was fine. Really, I was a pretty happy guy back then. I mean, I never stopped loving them or started rooting for anyone else, I just didn't watch them or read anything about them.

Then all this shit with Carson and Marvin Lewis happened. They actually took their time with Carson. They developed him. Made sure he didn't get Klingler-ed. Gave him an offensive line and a running game. Two great receivers. Sure the defense sucked, but who cared? The defense always sucks in Cincinnati, that's our identity in the AFC North. The team looked good. We won the AFC Central. There didn't seem to be any reason why they couldn't continue to be good for as long as Carson was taking the snaps.

Then Carson got his knee blown out. Then everyone got arrested. And the offense just kept looking a little less explosive each season. And now.....I kinda might need to bail for a while.

Under normal circumstances, I would definitely give someone shit for writing what I just wrote. But the thing to remember is this: Mike Brown still controls the Cincinnati football team. Which means, basically, that they can never be good. Ever. He's the most colossally inept owner in all of professional sports. From Wikipedia:

He is often cited as one of the worst owners in the history of professional sports.

The Bengals are like this girl that I was really into in high school. She was a tall blonde Catholic School girl who liked James (the band) and did theater. That was pretty much all I needed. We talked on the phone for a few weeks, and then I finally got her to come over to my house to "watch a movie" some weekend night. I was stoked. I had rented "Alive" (yeah I know, bad call) and convinced my parents to leave us alone in the living room to watch it. After I played her some tracks off the new Chapterhouse album I had just picked up, we were about to lay down to watch the movie. Some little argument broke out just then, and I went into flirty/teasing mode and made some comment about her being a little bitchy. In my teenage mind, getting a girl riled up with a little jokery was just a good solid replacement for foreplay. Right after I said it, the girl bolted up off the couch and walked right at me with a glint in her green eyes and a little smirk on her lips.

It worked! She was totally staring me down, walking over to me slowly and sexy-like. I stood there in the kitchen, unblinking, waiting for the magic to happen.

She punched me in the stomach. Really hard.

We didn't hook up that night. We, in fact, never hooked up (and not because I stopped trying). My friend Dave showed up later on with some hot-ass 16 year old from the other Girls' Catholic High School and made out with her on the couch while we sat silently watching Ethan Hawke eat frozen body parts.

So that's kinda like being a Bengals fan.

Soooo....can I bail now?

Stop Me If You Think You've Heard This One Before

Stop me, oh, stop me
Stop me if you think that you've
Heard this one before

Strangeways, here we come.

Satan Rejected My Soul

Satan rejected my soul
As low as he goes
He never quite goes this low

Apparently Joey Porter (no, not that Joey Porter) punched Bengals offensive lineman Levi Jones in the face after an altercation in the Palms casino. Wow, what a douche.

On first glance, it would appear that a Bengals player getting punched in the face would be a little bit of a blow to the ole' team ego. Again, I see the positive in this event for a few reasons:

1. Porter has been summoned and will have to go to court.
That's another arrest for a team that's not Cincinnati.

2. Levi said the punch didn't even hurt! (sort of, really the Enquirer said that)

3. Levi Jones lives in Las Vegas during the off season.
That's cool.

The only negative here is that Porter plays in Miami now, so we won't even get a chance to see a rematch as the Bengals don't play them next year. For some reason though, I'll never be able to separate Porter from the Steelers (and hopefully the Bengals won't either). His toxic karma is strong.

Behind the Wheel

My little girl
I prefer
You behind the wheel
and me the passenger

So I'm a little late on this one (I know I know, you missed me), but another Bengal got arrested and everyone went apeshit. People have been throwing their moral outrage around like Wii controllers with defective velcro. The Enquirer ran an awesome "Bengals rap sheet" sidebar in an article about the arrest that lists the series of infractions the club has racked up since the beginning of 2006. Also Marvin Lewis, dangerously close to taking some of my advice from September, invited a cop to speak to the Bengals about the dangers of driving under the influence before the season ended, and the Bengals have now created a 24 hour hot-line for their presumably hammered employees to call when they need a ride. More recently, Mike Brown even came out from his self-imposed media exile after Chris Henry's sentencing (one of his previous charges ) to talk tough (Henry served two days for being around minors while they were drinking alcohol and received a saucy tongue-lashing from the judge at the hearing to boot).

This is all great stuff really, if you're into the whole athletes are destroying the moral fiber of society thing. I'm not so much. And believe me, that's not to say it isn't very frustrating to root for a team that can't seem to get its shit together (on or off the field). But I'm ready to look at this last incident in a completely different way than the other arrests. I think we actually took a step forward here, and I'll tell why:

1. Joseph had a designated driver.

He assessed the situation and determined that the chick he was with was the number one sober. That's solid work there. Is it really his fault that she can't drive?

2. Dude was carrying his weed in a Super Bowl LX bag, next to a video game system.


You see? These guys are thinking about what it takes to win championships. I see this as kind of like that thing that Riley did with the Heat last year where he had everybody put all this important shit in a bowl or something to motivate the team. Which means that Joseph was probably on his way to pick up one of Henry's guns, Steinbach's boating license, Odell's "peanut butter crank", and AJ Nicholson's lifted stereo to stuff it all into the bag. Then Marvin was gonna put a padlock on the bag, give a motivational speech or two, and the Bengals were gonna fly through next season and win the Super Bowl by two touchdowns. Too bad the cops had to go and fuck up the whole plan.

3. Maybe I'm a glass half-full guy, but isn't this arrest #1?

People like to say that 9 Bengals have been arrested, I guess because that sounds like a big number. But really, it's 2007 people. Let's put those 8 other arrests (from 2006) behind us. And you can't keep counting Henry, okay? It's not fair. That's like calling traveling on your 6 year old cousin in a family pick up game. Just bad form. And for the record, I predict only 5 (non-Henry) arrests for the Bengals this year (a pretty significant decrease). Let me know if you want the over or the under.

Uncertain Smile

a broken soul stares from a pair of watering eyes,
uncertain emotions force an uncertain smile...

Well if you thought last week's loss to the Denver Broncos was painful...

I'd really rather not go into detail about the final game of the Bengals' 2006 season against the hated Pittsburgh Steelers. The one thing that really pissed me off as I drunkenly watched another playoff opportunity go down the toilet was the end-of-game clock management by Marvin Lewis. Lewis decided to burn a timeout with a minute left in the 4th quarter before a FG attempt by the Steelers. He did this previously at the end of the FIRST half of the Baltimore game (and it worked), but unfortunately no one informed Marvin that this was a very different situation. It was the 2nd half, the FG was a chip shot, and even if it was good, the Bengals still had a minute to kick a field goal of their own. The Bengals ended up needing that timeout very badly, as they almost immediately moved the ball to the Steelers' 20 with 30 seconds left in the game on 50 yard pass to Chris Henry. Had they still had two timeouts, the Bengals could've used one after the completion, then ran two or more plays to get into better field goal position or even go for the endzone. Instead, a team that had just lost to the Broncos because of its failure to convert a PAT put even more pressure on its special teams. The last four offensive plays of the Bengals' season looked like this:

1st down from the 20: Spike
Timeout
2nd Down from the 20: Palmer takes a knee
3rd Down from the 22: Spike
4th Down: Graham misses a 39 yard FG attempt.

The spike-timeout sequence was particularly embarrassing. This was the last game of the season, how in the world is this team not prepared to run a two minute drill? The spike stops the clock, then you call any play your little heart desires, because you still have a timeout left. Fucking maddening.

In other news, Marvin Lewis is heading up a NFL group this offseason that will lobby for a new rule implementing a league wide policy that allows each team one "do-over" a game on kicking plays. Shayne Graham, Brad St. Louis, and Kyle Larson however are all terrified by the thought of fucking up twice in a row.

You Have Killed Me

As I live and breathe, you have killed me. You have killed me.

After 15 years of relying on the tried an true tactic of consistent and embarrassing ineptitude, the Cincinnati Bengals football franchise has discovered a far more effective means of torturing the people of Southwestern Ohio. Their new plan (which has been in development since the hiring of head coach Marvin Lewis in 2003) was finally unveiled in its full glory on Christmas Eve in Denver's INVESCO Field at Mile High Stadium last Sunday. No longer satisfied with suffering humiliating blowouts in meaningless late season games, the Bengals have moved on to perfecting the art of the heartbreaking loss. Certainly, the precedent for this kind of a loss existed within the storied history of the franchise (see Montana, Joe or Knee Surgery, Reconstructive), but this recent defeat was special not necessarily because of external forces acting upon the Bengals, but the repeated internal combustion of said Bengals. This game featured a number of new twists. The Cincinnati defense and offensive line played very well, while the marquee position players made costly mistakes, turning the ball over four times. And then for the icing on the cake, the Bengals recovered from their sloppy play for the last three minutes of the game, driving all the way down the field in the closing minutes of the fourth quarter to eventually score on a 10 yard TD pass to Houshmandzadeh. Then, on the ensuing PAT attempt, Brad St. Louis' snap was fumbled by Kyle Larson. The Bengals then attempted an onside kick and recovered it, only to have the play nullified by an offsides penalty. As a result of this game (and it's effect on the people of the Greater Cincinnati area), military officials in Guantanamo Bay are now rumored to be contacting the Bengals franchise to gather more information about their ground-breaking mass torture techniques.

There's nothing quite like having your holiday weekend interrupted by a game like this one. You could have given me an autographed copy of The Queen is Dead for Christmas after the game, and I wouldn't have given a shit. My 12 year old cousin asked me during the game if I was going to cry if the Bengals lost (he could tell I was little invested), and I told him "No, but I'll probably want to". That pretty much sums it up. I went through the motions at the Christmas Eve dinner, then tried to distract myself by doing a puzzle with my Aunt (and believe me, I kicked that puzzle's ASS). It was not a very Merry Christmas.

By far the most horrifying repercussion of the loss though, was not my foul mood on Christmas Eve. It was the fact that I was subjected to watch (and care about) the Jets-Dolphins game on Monday night. The game also had fantasy implications for me, as I was down by 9 points in the championship game of my secondary league. My only remaining player was the Dolphins defense. Halftime score: 0-0. If the Dolphins can just kick a field goal...but no, the Jets score the game's first points. Wait, but then the Dolphins score a touchdown! Holy shit, an offensive explosion courtesy of some guy named Cleo Lemon who my playoff hopes now rest on. Dolphins are up 7-3, and there's no way Pennington can do any more than get the Jets in field goal range again. Wrong again, Chad throws his first pass of longer than 20 yards for a TD and the Jets lead 10-7. This happens after he ridiculously underthrows a pass directly at a Dolphins cornerback named Andre Goodman, who of course, dropped it. This cost me a fantasy football championship, and a playoff berth. But the Dolphins still have a chance. Lemon is driving them down the field. They're in the red zone and almost make a first down on the Jets six. It's fourth and inches, but lucky for me, the Dolphins have nothing to play for and they're at home, so they're definitely going for it. I can see the QB sneak in my head (the Dolphins line was manhandling the Jets' front all game long) until I look at the TV where I see the Dolphins field goal unit head onto the field. Nick Saban. You. Are. A Pussy. The Dolphins tie the game, then promptly give up 60 yards to the Jets on a screen pass. Mike Nugent hits the chip shot to win the game, and it sure looks like the Jets, and not the Bengals, are heading to the playoffs. Which is a travesty really. I have a better arm than Pennington. I do, I swear. The only good thing about having to watch this game is that it made me realize that the Jets could actually lose to the Raiders. I'm not saying it will happen, but it's possible. The Raiders defense will probably have to score, but Jets could lose to ANYBODY. Unfortunately, so could the Bengals. Except for Cleveland. We own them. Who Dey?

Tiny Daggers

Who put those tiny daggers...in your heart?????

That didn't go so well. The Bengals lost to the Colts on Monday Night Football 34-16, in a game that was way less interesting than last year's matchup (or this year's Chargers game for that matter). The reason this game wasn't more competitive was pretty obvious to anyone who tuned in for a few minutes. Peyton Manning dominated the game. The Bengals defensive scheme was to give the Colts anything they wanted underneath....and the Colts took everything they wanted underneath. This was in stark contrast to the Bengals offensive performance, which was marred by dropped passes, terrible pass protection, and a horrid 3rd down conversion percentage. Also, I think a lot of people are disappointed that the Bengals didn't take more shots down the field to exploit the injuries in the Colts secondary. I, for one, am not, and this is probably because every time Carson dropped back to pass the ball, he was in danger of being maimed. He got blown up on a key 3rd and 5 on the Bengals first possession and fumbled, and that pretty much set the tone for the whole game. Andrew Whitworth, Levi Jones' replacement, could not block Dwight Freeney, and, after Willie Anderson left the game, Stacy Andrews (his replacement) couldn't block Robert Mathis to save his (or his quarterback's more importantly) life. It was kind of scary to watch. I'd much rather the Bengals lose this game than see Carson get injured (more on this later). Anyway, time for random thoughts:

1. The Bengals could have really used Chris Perry.
Kenny Watson filled in admirably, but Perry's explosiveness really hurt the Colts last year, and on at least one occasion, Watson was tackled from behind in the open field in a situation where Perry could have taken it to the house.

2. The Bengals could have really used Chris Henry.
Oh wait, he was there? Oh, that was him was alligator-arming all those deep balls and making endzone drops? Shocking.

3. The Bengals have a very hard time against teams when they let the quarterback sit in the pocket and pick them apart.
I could probably count the number of blitzes I saw in this game on one hand. Granted, Manning is a master at making quick reads, but as some point the defensive strategy needed to change, and it never did. For God's sake, Mike Vick carved up this pass defense when he had all day to throw.

4. The Bengals match up very poorly against the Colts.
To beat the Colts you need an explosive runner, a good edge rusher, and a DB who can cover either Wayne or Harrison in man coverage without melting into the field turf. The Bengals have none of the above. Next week's game against the Broncos will certainly not be easy, but facing a rookie QB with a mediocre offense is much preferable for the Bengals D, even if the Broncos D is much better than the Colts'.

5. I wonder if the Bengals wouldn't be better off without Rudi Johnson.
Don't get me wrong, I love Rudi's HHD (that's heart, hustle, and determination, not a venereal disease), but he seemed to be missing a lot of holes last night. Maybe I'm just spoiled by all the LaDainian highlights floating around, but I think the Bengals would be way more dangerous with a flex-type back as a starter. Think Steven Jackson, Maurice Jones-Drew, or even Kevin Jones; a guy who can catch the ball out of the backfield and break off big runs, but still pound it in when he needs to. Chris Perry looked like he might be that guy eventually, but then he came down with a mean case of Ki-Jana-itis (or Ki-Jaundice, if you prefer). A shame.
I do think though, that Rudi would be a better fit for a ball control team that wears you down with the run.

6. The Bengals need a healthy O-line if they are going to do anything this year/ever.
Levi Jones, Rich Braham, and Willie Anderson were all out last week, and it showed. Hopefully, at least two of three will be ready for Sunday. If they aren't, and Carson is getting pressured this much next week, I say let Anthony Wright run the show. I'm serious, if Palmer gets hurt because he's playing behind three rookies and trying to make the playoffs in a year where the Bengals don't have a legitimate chance to win it all, I will never forgive Marvin Lewis. This team has a great future, but if Carson goes down again, it may be back to the Lost Decade part II.

7. Bengals fans will never forget the Lost Decade.
It haunts the recesses of our minds, and on nights like Monday, it haunts the opposite of the recesses (class time?) too. I was surrounded by Bengals fans twitching and moaning (myself included) all night on Monday. Even when the Bengals weren't actually fucking up, people were getting upset. That's because the game followed a pattern we were all too familiar with. Bengals tease us with glimmer of hope (1st half fumble recovery and ensuing TD), then proceed to put tiny daggers in our hearts (10 yard completion after 10 yard completion...). At the end of it, the scene was kind of like being around a bunch of recovering heroine addicts trying not to fall back into their old habits after taking some methodone. Let's hope that the Broncos game doesn't make us chase the dragon.

Sweet and Tender Hooligan(s)

He swore that he'd never never do it again....not until the next time

The Bengals took care of business this Sunday, defeating the hapless Oakland Raiders 27-10. The offense moved the ball more or less at will against a very good Raiders D, not punting once the entire game. Turnovers were the only thing holding the Bengals back, with Palmer throwing three picks and Rudi fumbling (for the first time since 2004) in Raider territory. TJ, CJ, and Rudi all went for over 100 yards while the defense consistently got pressure on Aaron Brooks, sacking him four times. The win gives the Bengals an 8-5 record and the lead in the AFC wild card race thanks to losses from Denver, KC, and the Jets. The Bengals are right where they want to be.

A few thoughts....

1. Everyone keeps saying that the Raiders are the new Bungles (90's Bengals), but I think Oakland's still got a ways to go. Right now they appear to be in their Bengals circa 94 phase, experiencing only their fourth year of dismalness. Aaron Brooks looks a little like Jeff Blake, only worse (which is ironic since he took Blake's job in New Orleans), but other than having consistently dreadful teams and scrambling QB's with accuracy problems, there's not a whole lot in common between the present Raiders and the old Bengals. The 90's Bengals were known for their high powered offenses with WRs Carl Pickens and Darnay Scott and terrible defenses (one of their starting CB's, Rod Jones, was nicknamed "toast"), while the present Raiders have the worst offense in the NFL and a very good defense.

Regardless, the inverse of this argument seems to work a lot better. The Bengals look a lot like a talented Raiders team from the 80's that just might have a few character issues (read: a ridiculous amount of players with arrest records). The latest members of the Bengals Brotherhood of the Breathalyzer are Reggie McNeal and Deltha O'Neal, a couple of good Irish kids. They join Eric Steinbach, Odell Thurman, A.J. Nicholson, Matthias Askew, Frostee Rucker, and of course, the founding member, Chris Henry. A couple of these guys actually were charged with crimes before they ever played for the Bengals, but I think that's really just a testament to the organization's nose for finding criminally-minded football players. The police should actually use the Bengals' scouting department in a kind of Minority Report capacity to prevent crimes before they happen. Just throw everyone the Bengals are thinking of drafting next year in jail RIGHT NOW. This could really help the war on crime. Wait, there's no war on crime? Let's see, terror....drugs...nope, no war on crime. Well fuck it then, let em' play.

2. McNeal just received an additional drug charge on top of his resisting arrest rap. He apparently laced a cigarette with some kind of an antihistamine that can be used as a sedative. Maybe he should've smoked it before he started smacking up that undercover cop.

3. I kind of wish that other cities could experience the level of coverage that the major New York teams (Mets, Yankees, Giants) receive. The Bengals would be a gold mine for cheesy back page headlines from the Post or the News. Yesterday would've been "DELTHA GROUNDED!". Or after Thurman's arrest for a DUI: "WALK THE LINE...BACKER". Okay, I'll stop now.

4. O'Neal got arrested at a checkpoint on State Route 125 at Bach Buxton Road, which is about a mile away from where I grew up in Clermont County (or for those of you unfamiliar with the area, between the 3rd and 4th Dairy Marts after the interstate). I was a little surprised that Deltha was driving around out there, because, as far as I know, the only strip club in Clermont County is on State Route 32, right around where Chris Henry was pulled over for his DUI (now that made sense). Maybe Deltha thought that the mile markers on 125 heading toward the town of Bethel said "Brothel 12 miles" instead of "Bethel 12 miles". Pure speculation.

A Rush And A Push And The Land Is Ours

It has been before and it shall be again

The Bengals defeated the Ravens tonight 13-7. I caught the game at a new location, Phebe's Taven & Grill in the East Village. I arrived with the lady and a friend at 9, just in time for kick-off. Wait, is that a 2 in the corner of the screen? Fuck, I guess I mean the 2nd quarter. I really hate the NFL network now, their website definitely said kickoff was at 9. We find an empty spot at the bar while I watch the Bengals drive and take in the new surroundings.

Phebe's is a little different from my usual viewing spot, the Turkey's Nest. I don't know quite how to put this, but Phebe's is just a little classier I guess. There aren't any drunk guys clearing out the crowd for their 3 year old daughter to use the bathroom for one. The drinks don't come in styrofoam cups for two. And there aren't any concrete-league softball games happening across the street for three. Oh and the 8 zillion flat screen HD TV's with full audio were a change from the usual 20-inch-Zenith-over-the-pool-table-setup. Also, no one yelled at me for the Bengals not covering the week before. Anyway, the game:

The Bengals looked great at the end of the first half sustaining a long drive downfield. Palmer was getting solid protection and making some great throws. They got to the goal-line and stalled out, though, after a Jeremi Johnson drop and a near TD completion to Reggie Kelly that Carson threw a little too much to the outside. Field goal, Bengals up 6-0. This worries me, only because I have bad memories of previous 2nd half defensive meltdowns, and six points are not a whole lot in the NFL. McNair and the Ravens confirm my fears by driving into Bengal territory as the half winds down. They get the ball to the 15 and go for the field goal. It's good. Shit, 6-3 at half. No they're kicking it again. This time it's not good. 6-0. Way to use that timeout Marvin.

The 2nd half opened up with the Bengals D getting a huge three and out from Baltimore. After getting the ball back, the first possession was destined to end in a Bengal punt. Offsides penalty, stuffed running play, bad protection forcing an incompletion (the Bengals lost Eric Gesundheit, their backup center at the end of the first half, and were playing some guy who had never taken a snap before at center) led to a 3rd and 14 from the Bengal 20. Time for the ole' shovel pass. I love this play. They tried it a few weeks ago against San Diego and it got stuffed, but when it works, it's a thing of beauty. Kenny Watson, 20 yard gain, first down. Then, a few succesful running plays and the highlight of the night, the flea-flicker to TJ. That was pretty much the game right there.

Random Thoughts (this post brought to you by beer #5):

1. Johnathan Joseph is a pretty good corner. If he could catch, he would be a great one. He dropped four, count em, four, possible INT's.

2. The Bengals D has come out of nowhere and started to play very well. They're using their coverage guys (Dexter Jackson, Kaesviharn) in blitz packages to get pressure and it's working.

3. Chad's highlight reel catch actually might have saved the whole game. If he doesn't bring that ball down, it sails right over his head and into Samari Rolle's hands (which are not Johnathan Joseph's hands) and possibly the other way for 6. With the game at 3-0 then, who knows what happens if it's intercepted.

4. If you want to beat the Ravens, don't turn the ball over. Their offense is mediocre at best.

5. I will now be carrying a Morrissey ProSet MusicCard in my wallet to every Bengals game for the rest of the year. My friend J-Ro brought it to the game tonight for me after unearthing it in his parent's house in Houston. It might be the coolest gift I've ever received. I'll let you behold it in all it's glory:


It's kind of hard to see, but the last sentence of his "stat sheet" reads as follows:

Bona Drag (1990) is a collection of rare, hard-to-find and
otherwise inacessible Morrissey tracks.

I'm sorry, did they say inacessible Morrissey tracks? I don't think they exist.

Check out the other amazing artists ProSet decided to immortalize here. I'd love to get my hands on that Lita Ford promo card.

Lovecats

We couldn't get closer than this

The Bengals beat the Browns 30-0. That was special. That was just special. Let's recap the last three weeks of Bengal defense:

Wk10: vs. Chargers. The Bengals D let Philip Rivers and LDT return from a 21 point halftime deficit and give up 42 points in the 2nd half. Tomlinson admits after the game that it's actually easier to score on the Bengals in real life than in Madden 2007.

Wk11: @ Saints. Drew Brees throws for over 500 yards against a beat-up Bengals secondary, setting a Bengals franchise record for futility. The Saints only manage 16 points, though, thanks largely to two endzone INTs.

Wk12: @Browns. The Bengals D get their first shutout since 1989. Charlie Frye does his best Ben Roethlisberger imitation. He gets knocked down about 10 times, throws 17 INTs, followed by Braylon Edwards going completely out of his mind and trying to rip Frye's jersey off on the sideline. Bengals win 30-0.

Can't wait for next week. I mean....uhhhh.....four days from now? This Thursday game thing is weird. I can't get the NFL network, and I don't know anyone who can. Is the NFL just trying to piss me off or do they want me to spend even more time at bars? Very confusing.

Oscillate Wildly

My dad loves Ethan Kilmer

The Bengals beat the Saints 31-16 yesterday. And a guy named Ethan Kilmer returned a Drew Brees' INT for a TD. Kilmer played only one year of football in high school and was a walk-on for two years at Penn State. Great story.

Honestly, I kind of don't know what to do with this. I figured this would be my nail in the coffin blog, especially after the Saints tied the game at 7-7 with a Bill Cowher-esque flea flicker to Joe Horn (whose dance was completely ridiculous). The defense was missing all of its starting LB's, one CB (Deltha O'Neal), and one SS (Dexter Jackson). The O-line was missing three starters. Drew Brees passed for 500 yards. And I'm talking about Ethan Kilmer. Wow.

The fact that the Bengals were able to pull this game out is pretty amazing. They beat a division leading team with a high powered offense on the road. But let's get one thing straight. The Bengals defense is bad. I still fear for the future when they face Peyton Manning or any other quarterback not named Frye, Brooks, or Walter. Even still, they are in a position make a run for the playoffs. Beating Cleveland on the road will be a tougher game than it looks like on paper as Cleveland's D is very strong against the pass, but it's certainly winnable. Then it's Baltimore and the Raiders at home. A sweep of these three games would leave the Bengals at 8-5 going into two brutal road games @Denver and then @Indy. They could afford to lose one of these games and then come back to beat Pittsburgh at home on New Year's Eve to finish the season at 10-6. I see them winning a close game next week against Cleveland leaving their season to hinge on the Baltimore game next Thursday. I will be requesting the night off of work for that game, provided the Bengals take care of business this Sunday.

Also, I must take some credit for the victory this weekend. In my 12 team Fantasy Football league I benched Drew Brees for good luck. Don't worry, I still won and clinched a playoff spot thanks to the Miami D. Who Dey?!

The Hurting

Is it an horrific dream

Am I sinking fast......?

The Bengals lost to the Chargers on Sunday, 49-41. And I cannot believe I just typed that sentence.

I watched the game at my neighborhood Bengals bar again, with some of my friends from Cincy. Before the game we actually talked about how the Bengals really needed a blowout to get their confidence back and start a run at the playoffs. In the first half, our words were prophetic. The offense finally came around and dominated the game. The Chargers' couldn't get any traction on offense, and Palmer and Johnson looked unstoppable. At halftime we were practically giddy. We went across the street and threw the football around in the rain for a little while. Life was good.

Just before halftime, I checked my voicemail. My dad had called, excited about the first half. He ended the message by saying "I hope I didn't put the jinx on them".

(Interestingly enough, I thought about calling or texting a few friends before the 2nd half as well, but for some reason stopped myself. Perhaps it was because I didn't see the point in tempting fate with these Bengals. Or maybe I've just come to terms with the fact that I am hated for loving)

I can't really talk about the 2nd half too much. I will say that what the Chargers did to the Bengal defense was pretty similar to Frank Reich's comeback in 1993. Also, the Bengals defense is very bad. Peyton Manning may put up 80 on them. When Palmer fumbled on the 10 in the 4th quarter with the Bengals up 38-35, I sort of figured the game was over. When Tomlinson scored on the next play, I could feel the soil falling over Cincinnati's head.

During the walk home in the rain, I realized that I hadn't properly stretched before my halftime display of manliness. Stretching is important, I've learned, as one approaches 30. Also, when one has two herniated discs. Really though, at the end of this day, having stabbing pain in my back wasn't entirely inappropriate.

The Headmaster Ritual

Sir leads the troops

I am a waaaay better coach than Marvin Lewis. No disrespect intended Marvin, but what's your record this year? Like, 4-4? That's what I thought.

Let's compare that to This Charming Fan's record who is coaching TWO football teams this year, Ballz Deep and Portis Heads. Their records? 7-2 and 6-3. That's a combined 13-5, a winning percentage of 72% to Marvin's 50%. So naturally, I've got some tips for the beleaguered B-leaguer coach (get it, beleaguered B-leaguer? Hahaha!). Here goes:

1. Try and keep things light. The guys on Ballz Deep seem to respond really well to my weekly habit of getting completely shitfaced on gameday. They know that my preparation always happens earlier in the week (when I'm usually sober) and that I'm one of the best gameplanners in the league. They don't mind if I "enjoy myself" during the game. Sometimes (when I'm really drunk), I'll even ask Chester (Taylor) during the game if he wants a shot of apricot brandy when he's not playing well. He gets a kick out of it; he knows I'm just playin'. Marvin, you just look so serious all the time on the sidelines. I think your team could really benefit if you loosened the reins a little, y'know, let the guys have their fun. They're adults man, they know how to handle themselves in a professional manner.
2. Talk more smack to the other coaches. All I ever hear from the postgame press conferences is some pretty vanilla stuff Marvin. "That's a good football team" and "They're defense played well". Bullshit man. Before the game is when you need to really get it going you know, like last week, I was playin' Turd Sandwich and he picked up the Ravens' Mark Clayton and I was like "Hey that's not the 85 Mark Clayton man" and he was like "I don't even know who that is" and I was like "Yeah, that's why you suck" and he was like "whatever, stop calling me". But the thing is, I got in his head. And then after the game (which I won, of course) I was like "And you still owe me forty bucks" (cuz we're in a money league and he hasn't paid me yet). None of this "good game man" shit. I really chapped his ass about it; he won't even return my calls anymore. Chester thought it was a riot! Awesome!
3. You never give up on a bad bye week. Now first of all, I have no idea how in the hell you managed to draft a team that had every single player on the same bye week (maybe it's because you're in a keeper league, I don't know), but even still man, you cannot just let that shit go! You could have swung some trades, worked the waiver wire, whatever. I made it through all my bye weeks this year and always fielded a full team. It's just unacceptable to not even put a single player out there; it's really bad for the team's morale.
4. It's time to go out and get a better Defense. Listen man, I liked your D at the beginning of the year too, but you gotta read the writing on the wall. The turnovers just aren't happening this year and there's a lot of tough matchups down the road. I say drop the Cincy D immediately and just start picking up new Defenses on a weekly matchup basis. Shit I dropped your D four weeks ago and now I've got Carolina's. Check if they're available in your league, that's a huge upgrade.
5. Ignore all that shit about "locker room poison". Dude, I picked up Barry Bonds at the end of my baseball season this summer and the guy did nothing but produce. He got me the Trophy baby (even though Yahoo still hasn't mailed it or something, maybe I should've requested the T-shirt instead), and him and Jeff Kent totally got along! Seriously man, don't cave in to all those people who say "character matters" and "people need to buy into the team concept", they're just making excuses for why their teams suck so bad. My teams have always gotten along and always kicked ass. I don't see why yours should be any different. As long as your guys produce, who cares what they do in the off-season.

Bottom line Marvin, if you want to win it all this year, you need to start listening to me. I've got a lot of hardware in my virtual trophy case (my Yahoo! rating is All-Star baby!); what do you have in yours?

I Wanna Be Adored

I wanna I wanna I gotta be adored

I remember a conversation I had with a friend at a wedding this summer. I was concerned about what would happen if the Bengals off the field problems started becoming on the field problems. More specifically, I wondered just what would happen if the Bengals got off to a rough start? They are a team full of personalities, chemistry problems as B.S. would call them. Last week, Willie Anderson and Rudi Johnson called out the team’s play calling, and this week TJ threw his helmet after an incompletion (costing the Bengals 15 yeards), Chris Henry gave up on a late game hail mary and got chewed out by Palmer walking off the field (kudos to Carson on that one), and CJ pulled a Keyshawn immediately after the game, angrily demanding more touches while dropping the f-bomb. Then his Keyshawn morphed into his Meryl Streep when he was interviewed again on the way out of the locker room during halftime of the Sunday night game. His voice was cracking and the eyes were glistening a little; he was just a "Hue" away from You Tube fame again. Chad really doesn't know what to do with himself when he's not in the spotlight, especially now that the Bengals have higher expectations than they have ever had during his career. And the team is 4 and 4 with the Chargers coming into town. I’m not ready to count them out yet, but if they lose to San Diego, it’s over. And then what? Does Chad start demanding a trade and cry every week? Does Rudi continue to bitch about his touches? Does Chris Henry go to Amsterdam and never return (possibly a good thing)? I really worry that if things turn for the even worse this season in Cincinnati, everything may fall to shit. Which would be sad, because even if it doesn’t work out this season, a team with the offensive weapons that the Bengals have locked up under contract could be a force for years down the road (like the Colts, only with a QB who isn't a proven choker). They just seem to be missing Marvin Harrison’s class and a pass rush right now (for starters).

Talk About The Passion-Part II

An ongoing (and highly subjective) series highlighting the ten greatest moments in Cincinnati Sports History.

9. Sam Wyche rips Jerry Glanville a new asshole (Dec. 17, 1989)

The Key Players:

Sam Wyche coached the Bengals from 1984-1991. This was a great time time to be a Cincinnati sports fan. Wyche led the Bengals to the Super Bowl in '89 and was a Lewis Billups dropped INT away from a championship. The next year, the Reds won the World Series after leading their division for the entire season and sweeping the heavily-favored Oakland Athletics. Wyche was the mastermind behind the Bengals #1 ranked offense in '88 which featured the first real no-huddle-offense, a RB tandem for the ages (Ickey Wood and James Brooks), a great QB (Boomer Esiason), and a wildly underappreciated group of WR's (Eddie Brown, Tim McGee, and Cris Collinsworth).

Jerry Glanville was a giant douchebag who coached the Houston Oilers from 1985-1989.

The Event:

It was Week 15 of the 89 season and the Bengals were still in the hunt for the wild-card in the AFC. The previous two meetings between the Oilers and Cincy had both resulted in Bengal losses (24-26 earlier that season, and 6-41 the previous year). Wyche was particularly annoyed that Glanville had run up the score in the 88 game in Houston and was looking to exact revenge. Here's what happened:

Up 45-0 in the final period, Wyche called for a fourth down conversion attempt (which was successful), and an onside kick (also successful). The final score was 61-7. After the game, Wyche said his only regret was that Bengal kicker Lee Johnson missed an extra point. Sam also observed that that Glanville's Oilers were the dumbest, most undiciplined team he had ever seen.

Sam Wyche 1.
Jerry Glanville 0.

I wish the Oilers were still around; so I could hate them.

Never Tear Us Apart

Much-maligned Bengals offensive coordinator Bob Bratkowski

Everybody's pissed off at Bob Bratkowski this week in Cincinnati. I don't know if anyone remembers last week when he was a genius for the 4th and 1 play call to Ocho Cinco, but hey, that was last week, and this is the NFL. To his credit, Carson Palmer at least defended the Bratman:

A lot of people want to point their fingers at (Bratkowski), but if you're looking for somebody to point your finger at, you can point it at me, because I'm calling a large percentage of the plays (in the no-huddle offense)," Palmer said.

Palmer then added: "And if I hurt Bob, I'll make wine...from his tears.

Personally, I think that all this anger is more than a little misdirected. After all, this team gave up 29 points to the Falcons and made Michael Vick look like the 2nd coming of Steve Young, only faster. So how about sending some of those shit sandwiches over Chuck Bresnahan's way Cincinnati fans? He's the guy who designed the give-Michael-Vick-all-day-to-carve-us-up defense that worked so well. Atlanta punted 3 times the whole game, and Vick would've had less time to throw in a 5-Mississippi two-hand touch game. I know you don't want him to beat you with his legs, but if he's making the throws (and he was last Sunday), you can't let him get comfortable. In other news, Kaesviharn got beat by another tight end for a touchdown so the gloves are off again. Fuck you KK, you almost had me won over with last week's e-mail. You're dead to me now.

I Wish You Wouldn't Say That

Kaesviharn responds to CKnight's criticism

So I've been ragging on Kevin Kaesviharn for almost a year now. I never really forgave him for getting abused in the Steelers playoff game last year, and I generally don't trust white DB's whose names don't end in Sehorn or Lynch. To be honest, I didn't even know how to pronounce his name until a few weeks ago (I always said Kav-ish-arn instead of Case-vi-harn, I'm slightly dyslexic). Apparently though, Kevin was looking for some motivation after being responsible for the coverage on Michael Clayton's game-winning TD two weeks ago in Tampa and happened upon this site. He found this gem from thecharmingfan after the Pats game: My feeling is that if the defense has Dexter Jackson for the New England game, Maroney doesn't break off those runs. That guy is a much, much better safety than Kaesviharn.

After this weekend victory over the Panther's, I found this message from the Bengals safety:

>From: "Big Kev"
>Reply-To:
>To: "Chris Knight"
>Subject: Stop ragging on me man
>Date: Tue, 24 Oct 2006 08:57:13 -0400
Hey dude,
Eat me you little bitch. All you've done all year is bitch and whine about me. I'm actually surprised that you haven't come out and sided with the Panthers' "he-got-sooo-lucky-on-the-interception-we're gonna-take-our-ball-and-go-home-if-they-don't-play-fair" argument about my game-winning play. I don't know if you've being paying any attention this year, but someone on the Bengals has three interceptions this season, two from the endzone to beat teams with Super Bowl aspirations. I think his name was Kevin, not Dexter, and definitely not Chris. You suck. Go synthesize some excited bromide in an argon matrix and leave the sportwriting to the professionals. Like this guy:

Sincerely,
KK

So there you go Bengals fans. I fired up Kevin Kaesviharn and helped lead the team to victory this weekend. Now I'm gonna start in on Tory James. We'll see how that goes. Who Dey?!

Panic

Will Life Ever Be Sane Again?

So my last entry on the Bengals said something to the effect of "once their offense starts hitting on all cylinders, they'll be very tough to beat". Clearly, that didn't happen last week, and they lost a game they couldn't really afford to lose. A lot of people, myself included, were pretty apoplectic about the roughing the passer penalty on Justin Smith late in the game. Denny Green would have called the play "Bullshit, bullshit!"

Okay, sorry, there are some amazing things on this clip. First, Denny Green sounds like Woody Allen at the beginning of the thing (what, y'know, I mean, the Bears, oh my god y'know). Then, when he smacks the podium, it kind of looks like he's giving it the "train ride" treatment, if you know what I mean. Then, he does this awesome stare down of the room right before he leaves that's a cross between an angry preacher and Ru Paul on the runway. An finally, the PR guy who comes out at the end looks like a host at TGIFriday's explaining that it's gonna be another half-hour before you can get seated. This thing is just great television.

Back to the Bengals. No doubt the call was bullshit (bullshit!), but 13 points against a Bucs D that has struggled all year just isn't going to cut it. This week, the Panthers come to town on a roll, having won their last four straight. Again, the team is banged up with L.Jones, Braham, K.Washington, T.Perry, and C.Henry out. Hopefully Dexter Jackson will get back on the field because the secondary is really gonna need him this week. The Panthers don't have a great running attack, but you really don't need one against the Bengals; and they've been throwing the ball deep a lot since Steve Smith came back. Jackson would stop the bleeding on both of these fronts. On the other side of the ball, Chris Perry's return could spark this offense. He adds another dimension to the offense out of the backfield with his pass-catching ability and really makes the no-huddle sets dangerous. Since the WR position is so banged up, he also may get some reps there. I've been waiting for this guy to play all year, I think he's the missing ingredient for the offense (other than, you know, an offensive line). He may not be ready to make an impact this week, but if he is, the Bengals offense should come around. I think this game will be highly entertaining in an I-might-throw-up-at-any-moment-because-it's-too-intense-and-we-can't-fall-to-3-and-3 kind of way. I expect the Bengals to win, but Good Lord, after last week, who knows. Also, this just in: some prosecutor in Cincinnati has been walking around in the nude in a Government Services Center for about the last five years. His lawyers tried to pin his penchant for going all "Frank the Tank" on the residual effects of a car crash he suffered last year, but apparently, he was also naked in the car when it wrecked. My question is this: If Chris Henry was in the car, would he have thrown up?

Wave of Mutilation

Carson lays an egg


Yeah so that happened. The Bengals were annihilated by the Patriots last Sunday at Paul Brown Stadium. The game reminded me a lot of last years' home loss to the Steelers. Both games saw the Bengals look great on the first couple drives but settle for field goals. Then the other team got some momentum, the run defense got carved up, Palmer kept being forced into obvious passing situations, and all of the sudden it smelt like a blowout. The breaks didn't go the Bengals way (how was Kaesviharn's hit a penalty and Brian Russell's not?), but you're not gonna win too many games giving up 236 on the ground. Bottom line, a pretty embarrassing game for the Bengals, given the fact that they were in it until the 4th quarter and ended up losing by 25 at home. The real question for Bengals fans, though, is CAN I PANIC YET?

The answer is...yes, if you really want to, you can panic. The defense has looked terrible the last two weeks against the run (and against the pass last week, Gabriel's TD was ridiculous), the line doesn't look like it can protect Palmer like last year (10 sacks in the last two games), Palmer can't take a sack without coughing the ball up (5 fumbles the last two weeks, 3 lost), key players are out for the year (Pollack, Thurman, probably Braham), and the schedule doesn't really get any easier after the bye (@TB, vs.CAR, vs.ATL, @BAL) if you ignore the Tampa Bay game. So if you're given to panicking (and if you're from Cincy, there's at least a 50-50 chance you are), go ahead and do it.

I won't and here's why. My feeling is that if the defense has Dexter Jackson for the New England game, Maroney doesn't break off those runs. That guy is a much, much better safety than Kaesviharn. The other guy repeatedly victimized by the Maroney stiff-arm (sounds kinda dirty, doesn't it?) was Caleb Miller, who was replacing injured starter Rashad Jeanty. Yes the depth at linebacker worries me, but the guys filling in will get better as the season goes along. Same goes for the new O-lineman, Gesundheit or whatever his name is. And Carson is still rusty. And Chris Perry hasn't played a down yet. And Chris Henry was sitting out. Yadda, yadda, and yadda. Bottom line, this team should be a lot better going forward, and let's not forget they started off 3 and 1 against some pretty good competition. I say let hope spring eternal for these Bengals, once their offense starts hitting on all cylinders, they'll be very tough to beat. Now if we can just keep them all out of jail during the bye week....

Police On My Back

What's up with Cincinnati Police Department? Seriously, aren't professional athletes supposed to get preferential treatment? Goddamn if the CPD isn't making it's living arresting Bengals these days. And we can't even pull the race card on them this time since they nailed Eric Steinbach on a BUI (that's boating under the influence in case you were wondering), and I can't think of anything whiter than drinking a few beers on a boat. Well, maybe cornholing.

Clearly this problem is too big for Marvin Lewis. He needs some help, and honestly, I think I'm the right man for the job. Here's my proposal for Marvin.
For $10,000 and one of Carson's game jerseys, I'll host a series of intensive seminars on Law Enforcement Basics during your bye week for you. Here's a look at some of the curriculum:

1. How to Properly Bribe Cops (2hrs, followed by role-playing in small groups)
2. Determining the #1 Sober (more role playing)
3. How Incredibly Rich Athletes Can Afford To Call A Fucking Cab When They're Loaded (Power Point presentation with excel spreadsheet handouts)
4. Why You Should Never Submit To a Sobriety Test or Breathalizer (Exhibit A)
5. Why Wearing Your Own Jersey When You're About To Pull Out a Concealed Weapon Is a Bad Idea (this should be a short one)
6. The Meaning of "Underage" (a mostly philosophical seminar with some excerpts from Nabokov's Lolita, followed by a detailed rundown on different states' statuatory rape laws)
7. Safe Boating Practices (only need the linemen for this one, maybe Kaesviharn too)
8. How To Not Fuck Up What Looks Like A Great Season (this seminar will mostly consist of me screaming and kicking people in the balls)

So listen Marvin, I think we should do this. I'm ready to contribute to the cause. Call Me?