Sweetest Perfection

I know that nothing can stop me

There are few things in life more circuitous and less fulfilling than conversations about fantasy sports. Everyone's just waiting for their turn to talk about their team. Most of these conversations go something like this:

"Hey, I've got this guy on my team, he's awesome!"
"Yeah I picked him up in my other league, he won the game for me last week."
"How about that guy? He's totally killing me."
"Yeah I drafted him last year, he totally sucks."
"Who should I start between these other two guys? Who's better?"
"Depends on the matchup."
(In this scenario, this guy is Marques Colston and that guy is Daunte Culpepper, these other two guys are Ahman Green and Thomas Jones)

Now I've actually resorted to writing about one of my own fantasy teams before, but that was on my birthday and hey fuck you I can do whatever I want. Anyway, I'm actually taking this opportunity to do something that almost never happens in the world of fantasy sports. I'm gonna try to talk about someone else's fantasy team. That would be my brother's.

Turd Sandwich has completely and utterly dominated the Pain Bowl 06. In order to accurately describe the complete and utter domination, I will enlist the help of the Yahoo Fantasy Sports Plus Record Book from our league:

Most Wins: TS, 13

Most Consecutive Wins: TS, 13

Largest Average Margin of Victory: TS, 30.54

Total Points: TS, 1258.51 (next closest, Ballz Deep 1078.87)

Most TD's: TS, 88

I'll spare you the Offensive Points and Points From a Kicker results because I think you get the idea. The only category I've got a stranglehold on (there I go again, talking about my team) is Smallest Margin of Defeat (10.84). And it's because Turd hasn't lost. He won one game by 5 points (88-83), one by 18 (91-73) and the rest by 20 or more. It's not like the rest of the league stopped paying attention either, all of the victories were well-earned. It's completely ridiculous. I looked at his team at the beginning of the year and didn't think they had a chance in hell to stay healthy and/or active the whole season. I was wrong.

So now we come to the playoffs. The only chance anyone has against The Juggernaut That Is Turd Sandwich is another late season tail-off from LaDainian Tomlinson (last season he only scored 1 TD after December) coupled with an injury to either Brian Westbrook or Terrell Owens or Darrell Jackson or Jamal Lewis or Jeremy Shockey. Yes he has all of those guys. But you know who's on my team? Marques Colston, and he's totally helped me out this year. I just need to get him healthy for the playoffs. Right now I'm thinking of starting Terrance Copper instead. Do you think the Saints are gonna throw the ball a lot on the Cowboys? Oh wait, I just picked up the Miami D.......

Here Comes Your Man

It was a wait so long

With the Paradise Jam on tap for this weekend, the Xavier basketball season has officially started. The team lost to Gonzaga and the hated Adam Morrison last year in the first round of the NCAA tournament, and this year returns all of its starters while adding former McDonald's All-American Oklahoma transfer Drew Lavender. A strong freshman recruiting class gives the team extra depth, and the team's best player is named Stanley Burrell. In case you didn't know, that is also Hammer's real name. You can't touch that. (Xavier will also have Charles Bronson on their roster next year; this team is badass)

I get most of my Musketeer related news from my father; an alum of the school who hangs out around the O'Connor Sports Center a couple of times a week. This week we talked about the team's 79-46 opening win over Coastal Carolina. Apparently everybody looked good, but the pops wasn't thrilled with the play of Drew Lavender, the new point guard everyone has been drooling over. Let me give you some back story here. Last year, X's point guard, Dedrick Finn, was a terrible player and teammate who somehow managed to get himself embroiled in a custody battle over a dog and then got kicked off the team for good right before the conference tournament. Enter Johhny Wolf:


Johnny was a very good basketball player at St. Xavier High School in Cincinnati. His father was a great tennis player who my father apparenly runs into around town. Johnny did a fantastic job as a freshman of taking over a struggling team and putting them in a position to win basketball games. And win basketball games they did. Four in a row in the A-10 tournament in fact. But this year, Johnny's on the bench. And this really pisses of my dad.

Everybody's got their thing. For me, it's The Smiths and Morrissey. For Matt Ufford, it's cats wearing clothes. For Mark Foley, it's congressional pages. For my Dad, it's white point guards. He loves em'. He just can't help himself. Even if they're walk-ons, he still finds ways to demand that they should get more playing time. In the late nineties, there was this guy Pat Kelsey (who was another local kid, from Elder I think) on the Muskies roster. He got some PT, but the teams he was playing on were loaded with talent (James Posey used to come off the bench in 97). He was the co-captain and voted "most inspirational" player for 96 and 98. This was not good enough for my dad. Every time X lost a game, it was "I just don't get why Skip didn't put Kelsey in there. I mean, he can really shoot."

I completely understand where this is coming from. My dad loves underdogs. And since he's white, he usually loves white underdogs. And since he's only 5' 9", the only guys he can watch play basketball that remind him of himself are back-up white point guards. This is fine. I just am not looking forward to hearing constant criticism of Drew Lavender this year, juxtaposed with what-would-Johnny-have-done revisionism.

On a completely different topic, what's up with Keke Okerake singing all the songs for Bloc Party?


I hear Gordon Moakes (far right) has an awesome voice. They really ought to give him a chance.