I Started Something I Couldn't Finish

I started something
I forced you to a zone
And you were clearly
Never meant to go

After having to physically remove myself from watching the Bengals-Ravens season opener two weeks ago, I've been thinking a lot about the troubled history of Cincinnati sports in general and the Bengals in particular. The short version of the history is something like this:

1. The Reds - The Reds were terrible in the early 80's, but they got better in the late 80's. Pete Rose got kicked out of baseball, and then they won a World Series and were very competitive for about six seasons thereafter. They got royally screwed in the strike year when they had a 66-48 record, good enough for 1st place in the NL Central. They were good the year after, but no one seemed to care anymore. They've sucked ever since.
2. The Bengals - Vacillated between terrible and decent in the 80's under Sam Wyche. Were really good for a couple of seasons. Lost a heart breaker to the Niners in Super Bowl XXIII; a game that is constantly replayed on ESPN and the NFL network in attempt to further demoralize and humiliate Bengal fans. The Bengals went on to make the playoffs the next season and then sucked for 14 straight years. I mean really sucked, like "not a single winning season" sucked. Then they had another good season on 2005, won the AFC North, and tricked people into thinking they could be good for an extended period of time. Now they suck again.
3. The Xavier Musketeers - Really don't fit in to this equation at all. The most well run sports organization in Cincinnati for the last 25 years, hands down. The program has steadily improved through four different coaching regimes and two different conference affiliations. The team has made a postseason appearance in the NCAA tourney 17 times since 84-85, and appeared in two Elite Eight's in the last five years. They have had one losing season in the last 23 years. I just included them to make myself feel better, most Cincy sports fans don't really care about the Muskies, but clearly I do.

So I guess the question I'm really getting around to is this: can I bail on the Bengals for a little while? I had to do it in the 90's, and I didn't (and don't) regret a minute of it. I had a friend back in high school that kept trying to convince me, every fall, that this season was going to be different. Someone named Harold Green or Darnay Scott or Peter Warrick or Ki-Jana Carter was going to make a difference. I knew better back then. I went out of my way to pretty much ignore the entire NFL (this was before I did fantasy), and you know what? I was fine. Really, I was a pretty happy guy back then. I mean, I never stopped loving them or started rooting for anyone else, I just didn't watch them or read anything about them.

Then all this shit with Carson and Marvin Lewis happened. They actually took their time with Carson. They developed him. Made sure he didn't get Klingler-ed. Gave him an offensive line and a running game. Two great receivers. Sure the defense sucked, but who cared? The defense always sucks in Cincinnati, that's our identity in the AFC North. The team looked good. We won the AFC Central. There didn't seem to be any reason why they couldn't continue to be good for as long as Carson was taking the snaps.

Then Carson got his knee blown out. Then everyone got arrested. And the offense just kept looking a little less explosive each season. And now.....I kinda might need to bail for a while.

Under normal circumstances, I would definitely give someone shit for writing what I just wrote. But the thing to remember is this: Mike Brown still controls the Cincinnati football team. Which means, basically, that they can never be good. Ever. He's the most colossally inept owner in all of professional sports. From Wikipedia:

He is often cited as one of the worst owners in the history of professional sports.

The Bengals are like this girl that I was really into in high school. She was a tall blonde Catholic School girl who liked James (the band) and did theater. That was pretty much all I needed. We talked on the phone for a few weeks, and then I finally got her to come over to my house to "watch a movie" some weekend night. I was stoked. I had rented "Alive" (yeah I know, bad call) and convinced my parents to leave us alone in the living room to watch it. After I played her some tracks off the new Chapterhouse album I had just picked up, we were about to lay down to watch the movie. Some little argument broke out just then, and I went into flirty/teasing mode and made some comment about her being a little bitchy. In my teenage mind, getting a girl riled up with a little jokery was just a good solid replacement for foreplay. Right after I said it, the girl bolted up off the couch and walked right at me with a glint in her green eyes and a little smirk on her lips.

It worked! She was totally staring me down, walking over to me slowly and sexy-like. I stood there in the kitchen, unblinking, waiting for the magic to happen.

She punched me in the stomach. Really hard.

We didn't hook up that night. We, in fact, never hooked up (and not because I stopped trying). My friend Dave showed up later on with some hot-ass 16 year old from the other Girls' Catholic High School and made out with her on the couch while we sat silently watching Ethan Hawke eat frozen body parts.

So that's kinda like being a Bengals fan.

Soooo....can I bail now?

In God's Country

Sad eyes, crooked crosses
In God's Country

This is why I miss living in the midwest sometimes. We never get this commercial in Brooklyn.

And yes, those are concerned farm animals talking about their owners' pathetic love lives. You know you're screwed when the cattle are giving you shit for not scoring.

If your interest was piqued by talking animals, check this one out:



No doubt I'm Crazy Carl. I think the lady might be Sally Spa. Which fast-paced, two-faced, game-playing, city slicker are you?

Discovered these while watching the Reds on Extra Innings this week. Can we trade bullpens with somebody?

Hand In Glove (Part 2)

Yeah it's not really a preview anymore, but I'm running out of song titles....

The Reds defeated the Cubs Sunday 1-0 at Wrigley. I was able to watch this incredibly boring pitcher's duel on MLB's extra innings package (the Reds offense looked awful, but the Cubs' was worse) which I recently signed up for. Kyle Lohse (above) pitched a great game, striking out 12. The game was called by Chris Welsh, who's been doing Reds games for quite a few years now, and Thom Brennaman, Marty Brennaman's son, who was hired this past season to pair up with his dad in the radio booth and call some TV games as well. Also, as far as I can tell, he was hired to be fucking annoying.

I once spent the better part of a summer break driving an ice cream truck with no tape player or air conditioning around the hinterlands of Clermont County, Ohio (areas like Bethel, New Richmond, Goshen). The highlight of these long shweaty-balls days was, without a doubt, tuning in to listen to Marty and Joe Nuxhall call a Reds game. And that's saying something, because this was back when the heart of the Reds lineup looked like this:

3: Chris Stynes
4: Eduardo Perez
5: Reggie Sanders (who only played half the season)

Needless to say, the games were boring as shit (on a side note, I think it was the next season that the Reds picked up Dmitri Young and started an OF lineup consisting of Young, (Mike) Frank, and (Chris) Stynes. Get it. Young, Frank, and Stynes. I hate myself). But listening to Marty and Joe was awesome. They genuinely enjoyed each other's company, and Joe kinda mellowed Marty out when he got a bug up his ass. Joe was always just a scotch or two away from Harry Carey territory, and I could probably listen to him attempt to pronounce the name "Encarnacion" on a loop for the rest of my life and die a happy man. They'd switch play-by-play up occasionally to give Marty a little break, and Joe would basically chime in every 5 minutes or so to tell what was going on, breaking up the long chunks of uninterrupted silence. Marty was opinionated and generally upset with everything about the team, but I kind of felt like he had earned the right to be a little bit of a dick on the radio. You know, just because he was old and he had called a couple of classic World Series games.

Thom Brennaman is not old. He has not, thank god, ever called a World Series game. He did, however, apparently graduate from the Joe Buck indignant-school-of-condescending-broadcasting, which has gotten him far in the network broadcasting world (he called the BCS Championship game this year). Far as I can tell, he has all of his father's bombast and none of his likable qualities. He desperately needs a Joe Nuxhall. I think I heard Thom defer to Chris Welsh's opinion once the entire broadcast, but it really felt like an empty gesture. Thom, much like Buck, is not happy to just call the action and check in with the color guy for technical details. He's the judge, jury, and courtroom reporter for the entire broadcast. Some samples (approximate) from Sundays broadcast:

"I mean, what's Ryan Freel doing swinging at a 2-0 fastball?"

"I can't believe the Reds aren't stealing more bases against Lilly" (they had two SBs against him after only getting three baserunners the whole game)

"What in the hell is Jerry Narron thinking not leaving his starter in for the 9th inning" (after Lohse had thrown 114 pitches, a key fact that was never mentioned during the broadcast, Stanton and Weathers closed the game out)

"How dare Kyle Lohse throw anything on the inner half of the plate to Soriano when the wind is blowing in from right field in Wrigley" (Lohse had been pitching Soriano away the entire at-bat and used the inside fastball to set up his out pitch, the slider away. Soriano K'd on the next pitch, a slider away).

Leave the preachiness to Joe Buck, Thom. And take that stupid "H" out of your name while you're at it.

On a lighter note, I did find out that Friday night's game against the Phillies is going to be "Ryan Freel Dirty Shirt Night for Adults". And no, I didn't make that up. Ostensibly, it's because Freel always gets his his jersey dirty hustling in the outfield (kinda like Chris Stynes used to), but I think if I still lived in the Nati', I'd roll into GABP on Friday wearing this gem:



or this:



Really, there are lots of options.

Hand In Glove (Part 1)

The Good People laugh
Yes, we may be hidden by rags
But we've something they'll never have

TCF's Reds baseball preview begins with a look at recently signed pitcher Aaron Harang.

A lot has been made of the plight of small market baseball teams over the last 15 years. What with the Yankees and Red Sox locked in an ever escalating cock-fight to see who can spend more money on exotic foreign players and stockpile the most all-stars, times are tough for small market teams. Now I know the Tigers, Cardinals, and A's were 3 0f the final 4 teams in the playoffs last season (and that the Red Sox didn't even make the playoffs) and that baseball is attempting to restructure it's finances by introducing revenue sharing. But when I see the free agents signings from this off season (Gary Matthews Jr., Gil Meche, and Ted Lilly all signed contracts worth around 10 M a year for four or five years), I wonder if a team like the Reds can compete in this market. So far, the answer has been not really.

The Reds finished last season 80-82, 3 games out of first place. For the first time since the 99 season, the Reds couldn't pin their struggles on an atrocious pitching staff. The team's 1 and 2 starters (Aaron Harang and Bronson Arroyo) combined for 30 wins, almost 400 K's, and over 400 innings pitched. Today the Reds resigned their ace, Harang, to a 4 year-36 million dollar contract (with an option for a 5th year). With Arroyo signed through the next two season at around 7 M a year, the Reds have two solid, durable starters with very reasonable contracts for the next two seasons. With Homer Bailey (who some rate as the best minor league pitching prospect in all of baseball) waiting in the wings, the Reds, potentially, have one of the best starting rotations in the NL, and a foundation to build a winning team around.

Reds GM Wayne Krivsky has been quiet on the free agent front this year, signing Alex Gonzalez from the Red Sox to play SS and a bunch of unexciting utility infielders (Jeff Conine, Juan Castro) and possible #5 starters and relievers (Kirk Saarloos, Brian Meadows, Mike Stanton). All in all, I can't say I blame him for his reluctance to pull the trigger on any of the big name free agents out there. The Reds look pretty mediocre right now, but I'd rather they improve the team through trades during the season (and through the farm system) than through spending a lot of money in the off-season for overpriced free agents. And really the Harang signing is probably the best thing that could happen for this team in the off-season. The guy is clearly their best player (in my mind) and gives them a pretty good shot to win every game he pitches. The fact that he was cheaper to sign than Gil Meche is mind boggling (as any fantasy baseball player can tell you, Meche is nothing but a headache), but I gotta give Krivsky props for it. Now let's see if he can get this team a closer.

Talk About The Passion-Part III

An ongoing (and highly subjective) series highlighting the ten greatest moments in Cincinnati Sports History.

8. Pete Rose shoves Dave Pallone, makes him gay (April 30, 1988)

The Key Players:

To say Pete Rose was a legend in the city of Cincinnati would be an understatement. I had a giant poster of him above my bed when I was 5. Coaches in Knothole leagues around the area didn't even bother to teach kids how to slide feet-first. When he was traded from the Expos to the Reds in 1984 and named player manager, the city went crazy. He won 426 games in four and a half seasons as the team's manager, finishing 2nd each year in the NL West while gambling on the team constantly. People in Cincinnati defended Rose throughout his gambling scandals, and many remained convinced that Pete had never bet on baseball until he finally admitted it in 2004.

Dave Pallone was the third youngest umpire to ever work in the major leagues. He joined the league in 1979, during an umpire strike. He called the All-star game at Comiskey Park in 1983, and in 1985, he called Nolan Ryan's 4,000th strikeout after catching Ryan's 3,997th strikeout in the family jewels, shattering his protective cup (which was subsequently signed by the pitcher). He was fired after the 1988 season by MLB, basically for being gay. He now works as a keynote speaker for diversity issues.

The Event:

Early in the 1988 season, the Reds played the Mets at Riverfront stadium. It was Kid Glove night at the stadium, so a bunch of young Knothole players (myself included) attended the game. With the score tied at 5-5 in the top of the ninth, Mookie Wilson was called safe at 1st base by Pallone. Rose charged at Pallone like he was a black jack table and began arguing with him. Pallone (Rose would argue later) jabbed Pete under the eye during the argument causing a small "abrasion". Pete lost his shit and shoved Pallone. Then the Reds fans lost their shit and threw debris on the field, pelting Pallone with beer bottles AND a boom box (or a ghetto blaster, it was 1988). The Reds went on to lose the game, and during my walk back to the parking lot, a group of drunken fans started up a cheer that I have never been able to forget:

To the tune of "When the Saints Go Marching In"

"Oh when the umps....
Come marching in...
Oh when the umps come marching in....
We will cut off...
All of their testicles...
When the umps come marching in."

Rose ended up with a 30 game suspension after the game, which was the longest suspension for an on-the-field incident in the history of the game. I'm not sure what Pete was up to during his suspension since the Dowd report only covers 1987. Pallone was fined $100, but the close brush with Rose changed his life forever. In 1990, he wrote "Behind the Mask", a book detailing his experience as a gay umpire. The world is still waiting for other baseball figures closely related to Rose (Joe Morgan, Johnny Bench, Ray Fosse) to follow suit and come out as well.

Pete Rose 0.
Dave Pallone 1.

I think Pallone's the clear winner.
He doesn't have any kids in jail for distributing steroids. Also he's never appeared on WrestleMania. I still love Pete though. And Jim Gray still sucks.

You're the One for Me, Fatty

Promise you'll say if I'm ever in your way

Everyone, meet the new Reds pitching coach. His name is Dick Pole. I think I had one of his old baseball cards. Here's what he had to say about his new job:

"When (manager) Jerry (Narron) and Wayne (Krivsky) talked to me about this, I got excited...."

Nothing like a Dick Pole at full mast. I already love this guy.

I Know It's Over

Will the Reds please just get mathematically eliminated from the NL Central race already. I don't know how many more of these headlines I can take: "Reds Win, Stay In Race". Sounds like they got a pretty good chance right? Yeah if you consider needing two teams to lose their last three games, and then sweeping the Pirates a good chance, hell yes, the Reds are practically in! Who do we get in the 1st round, the Mets? Awesome, who do I call for playoff tickets? Seriously Cincinnati Enquirer, stop toying with my emotions or I'll have to call Chiquita on you again.

Pretty Girls Make Graves

I'm not the man you think I am


Hot girlfriends are great. Everybody wants one, except maybe gay guys, but even they like to hang out with smoking-hot chicks as arm candy. On first glance, Reds GM Wayne Krivsky (see pic) is not what you might consider remotely hot or a girl. But let's see where this takes us:

Hot girlfriends always announce their presence in a room, or your life for that matter, with panache. Krivsky certainly did that, first quietly signing Scott Hatteberg to replace Sean Casey at 1st base (upgrading the team offensively and defensively at a fraction of Casey's cost), then trading a 4th outfielder endlessly being compared to Sammy Sosa (a damning comparison if ever there was one) for an underpaid, undervalued, serviceable starter in Bronson Arroyo. Consider it a hand-job in a restaurant bathroom on the first date for the Reds.

Hot girlfriends keep the pressure on during the passionate courting phase. Krivsky follows up his offseason moves by picking up Dan Ross, another underrated gem, from the Dodgers, then gets Brandon Phillips off the Indians. Phillips and Ross put up great numbers from the get-go, and boy do the Indians look stupid for letting Phillips go. The team looks better than it has in years and wins some games in June for the first time in forever. They're in the hunt in the Central, the Cards look beatable, and they lead the Wild Card race. This is your proverbial hot sex in dirty new positions phase for the Reds. And...all their friends think the new girlfriend is AWESOME. Hot girlfriends are the shit.

Hot girlfriends are cruel, heartless bitches. On June 13th, 2006, Krivsky trades Austin Kearns, Felipe Lopez, and Ryan Wagner to the Nationals for Gary Majewski, Bill Bray, Royce Clayton, Brendan Harris and Daryl Thompson. In case you're keeping score, that's two 26-year old major league postion players about to enter their prime for two middle relievers, a 36 year-old shortstop, and two minor-leaguers. Shortly after the trade, Majewski goes on the DL and Reds fans everywhere search their homes for sharp objects. Krivsky acquires a ton of other middle relievers as the trade deadline nears, all at a fraction of the cost of the 5 Nats. The team implodes on a late season West coast road trip, and the Reds team ERA after the 7th inning is still MLB's 7th worst at 4.65. This is the "she murdered my pet rabbits in boiling water" phase for the Reds.

I love the Reds. Perhaps this relationship is salvageable. But to be honest...I've lost my faith in womanhood.