Tempted

"Dude, this contract rocks! Heh heh."

....by the fruit of another
Tempted but the truth is discovered

Yes, that's Sean Miller, coach of the Xavier University Musketeers through the year 2016, and also a huge fan of Skynard. Notice the contrast between Sean (who signed the contract extension today and appears to be serious about remaining X's head coach for a long time) and his predecessor Thad Matta:

Sono douchebaggio!
Me coacha Ohio Stato!
Ho detto niente leavo Xavier-O!
Ma sono come Nick Saban-O!
No Flagrento!
No Flagrento!

Ahem. So yeah, I applaud Miller's loyalty. He was in the running for the Minnesota and Michigan jobs (and it looks like Tubby Smith will coach the Gophers), but he chose X after they offered him a raise. And besides, do you really want Opera Man over here coaching your team, sweating out 2nd round and regional semifinal NCAA wins with the most talented team in the tourney? I'd much rather suffer heartbreaking losses in the 1st and 2nd round with scrappy teams that actually play well together but get no respect from the national media. I mean, wait, uhhhhhhhhh.......

This post would have been a lot cooler if Tennessee had held on and beaten the Buckeyes tonight. I could have ragged on Matta some more (hello, slow your team down in the 1st half!), and I had a great Wayne Chism joke planned. It would have totally blown your mind. It involved the words "Chism" and "Ohio State".

Satan Rejected My Soul

Satan rejected my soul
As low as he goes
He never quite goes this low

Apparently Joey Porter (no, not that Joey Porter) punched Bengals offensive lineman Levi Jones in the face after an altercation in the Palms casino. Wow, what a douche.

On first glance, it would appear that a Bengals player getting punched in the face would be a little bit of a blow to the ole' team ego. Again, I see the positive in this event for a few reasons:

1. Porter has been summoned and will have to go to court.
That's another arrest for a team that's not Cincinnati.

2. Levi said the punch didn't even hurt! (sort of, really the Enquirer said that)

3. Levi Jones lives in Las Vegas during the off season.
That's cool.

The only negative here is that Porter plays in Miami now, so we won't even get a chance to see a rematch as the Bengals don't play them next year. For some reason though, I'll never be able to separate Porter from the Steelers (and hopefully the Bengals won't either). His toxic karma is strong.

Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now

I was happy in the haze of a drunken hour
But heaven knows I'm miserable now

With 9 seconds left in regulation, Xavier led Ohio State 62-59. Justin Cage had just made the front end of a one-and-one. One more free throw, and the game is over. It rims out.

That's about all the reliving of the end of this game I can do right now, other than to say that I have never seen a more intentional foul in my entire life than the hit that Oden put on Cage to send him to the free throw line in the first place. I'll just have to file that one away with the Lewis Billups endzone drop from Super Bowl XXIII in the "memories that are too painful and anger-provoking to ever think of again" section of my brain. At this point, the only silver lining I can find in this cloud is that being a Bengals fan this season did help prepare me for the worst.

Just one more thing about the game. Justin Cage is one of my all-time favorite Xaver players, along with Darnell Williams, Byron Larkin, and Brian Grant. The guy did nothing but hustle his entire career and shot a perfect 8-8 from the field in the biggest game of his life while being defended by someone 6 inches taller than him. He singlehandedly took the game over in the 2nd half to give Xavier its lead. And it kills me to think that he might be remembered for missing a free throw when there were at least five or six other larger mistakes that X made down the stretch that he had nothing to do with. From all accounts, the guy is a complete class act off the court as well, and he will be graduating on time this spring. I will remember his Xavier career fondly.

Also, still fired. Unemployment sucks.

We Hate It When Our Friends Become Successful

Oh, look at those clothes
Now look at that face, it's so old

This picture was taken approximately 1 second after Bill Belichick throat punched a photographer (who was brazenly standing in front of Eric Mangini, doing his job) and approximately one second before he shoved a different cameraman (who was brazenly standing behind Belichick, also doing his job) out of his way. Apparently I'm the only one who noticed this as the "hug heard round the world" dominated the CBS broadcast. "He hugged him! He hugged him!" Wow, what a warm lovable guy. And his hoodies are soooo cute! Whatever, this guy is a complete asshole, and I'm pretty sure his inner monologue as he walked to shake Mangini's hand went something like this:

I fucking hate you Eric Mangini. How dare you leave my staff to coach for a team in my division. I can't believe you beat us here earlier this year, I am so glad we just crushed your playoff hopes. I am a golden fleece-wearing coaching God. You are a Man-gina. I'm gonna give you a fucking hug, asshole, just to piss you off. GHAAAARG! (insert throat-punch sound effect)

Hugs Mangini

"Great game coach."

GHAAAARG! (insert whimpering photographer sound effect). That's right bitches. I'm a nice fucking guy. Can't wait to bang my mistress.

I Hate You (But You're Interesting)

It's a crazy little world without you

I caught some shit when I was home for Christmas from a friend who was pissed about my lack of coverage of the Crosstown Shootout. Since I was unable to actually watch the game, I thought regurgitating other people's accounts of it would be pretty lame. But alas, I can't stand the thought of being accused of not talking about the biggest college game of the year in Cincinnati because my team lost, so here's what I have to say about the Shootout.

What shootout?

That UC-XU game that ESPN deigned not ready for primetime TV (which UC dominated, by the way) wasn't the shootout. The shootout is actually happening tonight. Bob Huggins vs. Xavier is more exciting right now for Cincy (and the rest of the nation apparently, as it will be televised on ESPN2) than UC vs. XU. The game features two possible tournament teams looking for another quality non-conference win before the conference schedule kicks in. K-State has one of the top freshmen in the nation, Bill Walker (from North College Hill in Cincinnati, OJ Mayo's former teammate) and has won six straight, including a big win over a tough USC team. Xavier rebounded from losing 3 of its last 4 (@Creighton, @UC, and Bucknell) by knocking off Illinois 66-59 last Friday. UC followed its big win over Xavier with a humiliating blowout loss to Ohio State and is now making news again for academic problems. Who cares about UC without Huggins anyway?

As a lifelong Xavier fan, I was taught to hate all things Bearcat related. This pretty easy during my formative years as Xavier was always playing the role of the small private Jesuit college with a solid basketball team that does things the "right way" in contrast to UC's "let's punch police horses and not graduate any players" strategy. Huggins, though, is still widely loved in the Nati, even after drunk driving arrest that helped lead to his forced resignation. I've heard a number of stories about run-ins with the Huggy Bear at different bars in the Nati area, one involving him singing Frank Sinatra songs and refusing to accept a ride home after getting completely annihilated. People love that shit. Last year's Shootout was peppered with shots of Huggins drinking in a private box with some cronies. The man is just good television.

Tonight's game should be an exciting one, as Huggins probably knows a lot more about XU than Miller knows about K-State. XU showed it could play physically with Illinois and will need to continue to play that way to win this game. As long as X doesn't rely on it's favorite pastime, chucking up 20 3-point attempts a game, it should be a barn burner. It's also Walker's homecoming, and he'll be looking to make a splash. In the shootouts of old, the hungrier team almost always won, and I expect this game to be no different. And if you're at a bar in the Tri-State area after the game this evening, buy Huggy a drink for me...even though he probably won't need it.

Sorrow Will Come In The End

"And as sure as my words are pure.....I praise the day that brings you pain"

I'm generally not a very angry person. I get frustrated easily, but it really takes a lot to piss me off. A man named Burke Magnus, however has gone above and beyond the call of duty this week, with his recent comments to the Cincinnati Enquirer regarding ESPN's decision to carry the Crosstown Shootout on ESPNU. Have a look:

Burke Magnus, ESPNU's vice president and general manager, said sports tiers offer far fewer subscribers than digital basic cable subscribers. This means less exposure - and ultimately revenue - for his channel that offers quality content like the Crosstown Shootout.

And ESPN is working hard to protect that content. Local station WXIX (Channel 19) approached ESPN about showing a split feed of Wednesday's game locally, but ESPN ended the discussion after two conversations.

Regarding this year's Crosstown Shootout, Magnus said the game isn't good enough to be on ESPN or ESPN2, carried by Time Warner.

"ESPNU is here to give the game a home," Magnus said. "Mick (Cronin) is a new UC coach, and UC isn't projected to have one of their better years. Believe me, when it's back to two Top 25 teams playing, it will probably be on ESPN or ESPN2."

But the Shootout is more than a game in Cincinnati - it's an event. Ratings on either ESPN or ESPN2 have been above 13.2 four of the past five years, none of which featured both teams in the Top 25.

Okay let me get this straight fuckface; ESPNU is "giving the game a home" even though no one in the Greater Cincinnati area can watch it without a satellite? Wow you guys are great people! Why don't you give a Taco Bell Gordita a home in your stomach and die of E.Coli while you're at it. Oh and wait, I love how he comes out so strong in the last quote "Believe me, when it's back to two Top 25 teams playing, it will probably be on ESPN or ESPN2." Oh, then it will probably make it on ESPN 2! You are so kind and generous, oh beneficent Lord of television programming! What a wonderful television network you're creating by using loyal fans as pawns and preventing them from watching one of the biggest local sporting events of the year! Go fuck yourself ESPN, ESPNU, and Burke Magnus. You could've at least let a local station PAY YOU to air the game in the area. You guys are just a bunch of degenerates. I can't even write any more I'm so angry. I'll just leave the rest to Morrissey:

So dont close your eyes (ESPN)
Dont ever close your eyes
You think you've won
Oh no

By the way, If you haven't listened to the track referenced in this post yet, download it immediately. Your reward will be great and plentiful.

The Things You Said

I ended up catching this week's game at my new favorite bar in Brooklyn, we'll call it the Chicken Coop. One of the bartenders is from Cincy, and even though he doesn't work on Sundays, he's there in his Carson jersey every week. Whereas most NYC bars are basically frathouses on Sunday during the NFL season, the Coop is more like a social experiment. There's about 10 to 20 neighborhood guys there every week who run the gamut of New York stereotypes; old Italians, Latino gamblers, and some Hasidic Jews thrown in for good measure. The Coop is one of those places that has signs posted (like "No Smoking" and "All beverages must be consumed on the premises") that have no bearing on the reality of what happens there. There more like guidelines actually. Last week I smoked half a pack of cigarrettes and took a margarita across the street after the game. This week a couple of Steelers fans made their way to the bar; a young couple and a guy we'll just call Kid Rock. The game started off terribly for the Bengals, the Steelers drive down the field and take an early 7-0 lead. And the Steeler fans are cheering....loudly. I fucking hate Steelers fans. Another good thing about the Coop is that they serve Budweiser in 32 ounce styrofoam cups, so even if you're football team is being torn to shit, you can always get hammered on the cheap. And get hammered I did. On styrofoam beer #3 (that's about 80 ounces down the pike), the Bengals scored 14 points in 50 seconds. There had been a little back and forth between the two factions before then, and the Steelers fans had really gotten under my skin (not that it would've taken much at that point). I'll just give you a quick sample of some things I was shouting around this time in the game:

"OH, I'M SO SORRY YOU THOUGHT THAT WAS A RUN PLAY TROY. OH NO, THAT'S WHAT WE CALL A PLAY FAKE, AND A TOUCHDOWN. EAT IT BITCHES"

(in response to a Steeler fan whining that Housh pushed a Steeler db in the back on a TD catch) "No, he didn't touch him. He's just a better football player actually. Look at that, that is soooo pretty. TJ is great."

(As Triumph) "HEY...COWHER....YOU SUCK!"

"Hey Kid Rock, shouldn't you be watching the Lions game?"

"OH NO, CLIGGETY COLCLOUGH, YOU CAN'T CATCH THE FOOTBALL? WE'LL JUST HAVE TO TAKE IT THEN."

"C'mon Ben, throw us one more pick and we've got this game locked up"

"WHO-DEY BITCHES, WHO-DEY!"

And finally, after the game when a Steeler's fan started waving his Super Bowl terrible towel in my face, "SCOREBOARD! SCOREBOARD!"

Yes, booze and football is still a magic combination.
Be back soon with my recommendations on keeping the Bengals out of jail.

That Joke Isn't Funny Anymore

With the Steelers-Bengals game on tap for this weekend, I find myself with a lot of material to sift through. First off, Joey Porter's dogs killed a horse on Tuesday. I don't think that my beloved Bengals are the sort to scare easily (they are professional football players), but, Jesus man, that's intense. In addition, someone leaked the post-game footage from last week's Browns game of Chad Johnson recovering from a concussion in front of about 18 million reporters, and wow does he look hopped up on goofballs. So I was just wondering what sort of positivity was out there for Bengals fans to tap into this week (other than the obvious fact that we'll kick their ass), and I came upon a couple of things. First, I was unaware that after winning the Super Bowl, Bill Cowher just could not keep his hands off the "Who-Dey" joke (where he yells Who-Dey to a bunch of idiots, and they yell We-Dey! back). Apparently, Cowher's sense of humor (not to mention his moustache) is a lot like my Dad's; he finds something that works and keeps on repeating it over and over until everyone wishes they could stick knives into their eardrums. The great thing about this, though, is that Marvin Lewis (motivational genius) found some clips of Cowher's idiocy and forced the Bengals to watch it before a practice. In all likelihood, this probably pissed off Robert Geathers, and I have it on good authority that Geathers' dogs ate three llamas in Mason last week. Porter's dogs are pussies. Also, how can you possibly make fun of anything even remotely connected to Bootsy Collins? He's psychoalphadiscobeta-licious and he WILL tear the roof off the sucka'. You just messed with the wrong Chocolate City, Bill Cowher.





WHO-DEY!