Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Police On My Back

What's up with Cincinnati Police Department? Seriously, aren't professional athletes supposed to get preferential treatment? Goddamn if the CPD isn't making it's living arresting Bengals these days. And we can't even pull the race card on them this time since they nailed Eric Steinbach on a BUI (that's boating under the influence in case you were wondering), and I can't think of anything whiter than drinking a few beers on a boat. Well, maybe cornholing.

Clearly this problem is too big for Marvin Lewis. He needs some help, and honestly, I think I'm the right man for the job. Here's my proposal for Marvin.
For $10,000 and one of Carson's game jerseys, I'll host a series of intensive seminars on Law Enforcement Basics during your bye week for you. Here's a look at some of the curriculum:

1. How to Properly Bribe Cops (2hrs, followed by role-playing in small groups)
2. Determining the #1 Sober (more role playing)
3. How Incredibly Rich Athletes Can Afford To Call A Fucking Cab When They're Loaded (Power Point presentation with excel spreadsheet handouts)
4. Why You Should Never Submit To a Sobriety Test or Breathalizer (Exhibit A)
5. Why Wearing Your Own Jersey When You're About To Pull Out a Concealed Weapon Is a Bad Idea (this should be a short one)
6. The Meaning of "Underage" (a mostly philosophical seminar with some excerpts from Nabokov's Lolita, followed by a detailed rundown on different states' statuatory rape laws)
7. Safe Boating Practices (only need the linemen for this one, maybe Kaesviharn too)
8. How To Not Fuck Up What Looks Like A Great Season (this seminar will mostly consist of me screaming and kicking people in the balls)

So listen Marvin, I think we should do this. I'm ready to contribute to the cause. Call Me?


Wise One said...
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Wise One said...

I've proposed creating the "Bengalerone" position:

"Chris... Seriously, put down the piece man. Trust me!"
"Chris, I know she looks 21, she's 12 dude. Trust me!"
"Odell bro, you're trashed. Here's 10 bucks for a cab. Nah it's totally cool, I got ya man!"
"Eric, lets go boating! I'll drive."

Chris Knight said...

Love the idea Wise One. The only problem I see is that all the potential Bengalerones (Bengal chaperones) in these situations were probably saying things like this:

"Chris, those guys are fucking with you man! Get your piece out!"
"Hey Chris, have you met my sister?"
"Odell, I'm about to throw up. Can you drive?"
"Eric.......drink me" (the Budweiser can)