Tuesday, October 24, 2006

I Wish You Wouldn't Say That

Kaesviharn responds to CKnight's criticism

So I've been ragging on Kevin Kaesviharn for almost a year now. I never really forgave him for getting abused in the Steelers playoff game last year, and I generally don't trust white DB's whose names don't end in Sehorn or Lynch. To be honest, I didn't even know how to pronounce his name until a few weeks ago (I always said Kav-ish-arn instead of Case-vi-harn, I'm slightly dyslexic). Apparently though, Kevin was looking for some motivation after being responsible for the coverage on Michael Clayton's game-winning TD two weeks ago in Tampa and happened upon this site. He found this gem from thecharmingfan after the Pats game: My feeling is that if the defense has Dexter Jackson for the New England game, Maroney doesn't break off those runs. That guy is a much, much better safety than Kaesviharn.

After this weekend victory over the Panther's, I found this message from the Bengals safety:

>From: "Big Kev"
>To: "Chris Knight"
>Subject: Stop ragging on me man
>Date: Tue, 24 Oct 2006 08:57:13 -0400
Hey dude,
Eat me you little bitch. All you've done all year is bitch and whine about me. I'm actually surprised that you haven't come out and sided with the Panthers' "he-got-sooo-lucky-on-the-interception-we're gonna-take-our-ball-and-go-home-if-they-don't-play-fair" argument about my game-winning play. I don't know if you've being paying any attention this year, but someone on the Bengals has three interceptions this season, two from the endzone to beat teams with Super Bowl aspirations. I think his name was Kevin, not Dexter, and definitely not Chris. You suck. Go synthesize some excited bromide in an argon matrix and leave the sportwriting to the professionals. Like this guy:


So there you go Bengals fans. I fired up Kevin Kaesviharn and helped lead the team to victory this weekend. Now I'm gonna start in on Tory James. We'll see how that goes. Who Dey?!

Wednesday, October 18, 2006


Will Life Ever Be Sane Again?

So my last entry on the Bengals said something to the effect of "once their offense starts hitting on all cylinders, they'll be very tough to beat". Clearly, that didn't happen last week, and they lost a game they couldn't really afford to lose. A lot of people, myself included, were pretty apoplectic about the roughing the passer penalty on Justin Smith late in the game. Denny Green would have called the play "Bullshit, bullshit!"

Okay, sorry, there are some amazing things on this clip. First, Denny Green sounds like Woody Allen at the beginning of the thing (what, y'know, I mean, the Bears, oh my god y'know). Then, when he smacks the podium, it kind of looks like he's giving it the "train ride" treatment, if you know what I mean. Then, he does this awesome stare down of the room right before he leaves that's a cross between an angry preacher and Ru Paul on the runway. An finally, the PR guy who comes out at the end looks like a host at TGIFriday's explaining that it's gonna be another half-hour before you can get seated. This thing is just great television.

Back to the Bengals. No doubt the call was bullshit (bullshit!), but 13 points against a Bucs D that has struggled all year just isn't going to cut it. This week, the Panthers come to town on a roll, having won their last four straight. Again, the team is banged up with L.Jones, Braham, K.Washington, T.Perry, and C.Henry out. Hopefully Dexter Jackson will get back on the field because the secondary is really gonna need him this week. The Panthers don't have a great running attack, but you really don't need one against the Bengals; and they've been throwing the ball deep a lot since Steve Smith came back. Jackson would stop the bleeding on both of these fronts. On the other side of the ball, Chris Perry's return could spark this offense. He adds another dimension to the offense out of the backfield with his pass-catching ability and really makes the no-huddle sets dangerous. Since the WR position is so banged up, he also may get some reps there. I've been waiting for this guy to play all year, I think he's the missing ingredient for the offense (other than, you know, an offensive line). He may not be ready to make an impact this week, but if he is, the Bengals offense should come around. I think this game will be highly entertaining in an I-might-throw-up-at-any-moment-because-it's-too-intense-and-we-can't-fall-to-3-and-3 kind of way. I expect the Bengals to win, but Good Lord, after last week, who knows. Also, this just in: some prosecutor in Cincinnati has been walking around in the nude in a Government Services Center for about the last five years. His lawyers tried to pin his penchant for going all "Frank the Tank" on the residual effects of a car crash he suffered last year, but apparently, he was also naked in the car when it wrecked. My question is this: If Chris Henry was in the car, would he have thrown up?

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Talk About The Passion-Part I

An ongoing (and highly subjective) series highlighting the ten greatest moments in Cincinnati Sports History.

10. I defeat Kevin Frey's team in a pickup basketball game (1999-ish).

The Key Players:

Kevin Frey was a 6' 8" starting forward for the Xavier University Men's Basketball Team from 1998-2001. A highly touted recruit who was considered, at best, an underachiever for the Musketeers, Frey was best know for his role in Xavier's defeat of the then-number 1 ranked UC Bearcats in 1999. Frey scored four points, including a break-away layup with 29 seconds left, in the last minute of the game, ensuring the upset. After his college career ended, Frey has gone on to play professionally in Europe, as well as in the USBL and CBA.

Chris Knight was the captain of the Northwestern University Purple League Intramural Basketball semi-finalist squad, The Bubonic Plague, in 1999 and 2000. At 6'3", 180 lbs., Knight was an undersized center for the Plague, known for his tenacious rebounding, poor FG percentage, and commitment to "Puerto Rican Defense". He was, and remains, an avid smoker.

The event:

Both Frey and Knight were regulars at the famed "High Noon" pick-up games at The O'Connor Sports Center on the campus at Xavier University in the summer of 1999. The games usually consisted of a handful of middle-aged professors, a few current Xavier students, former and present Xavier basketball players, and occasionally, members of the O'Conner Sports Center custodial crew. This particular showdown found Frey and Knight matched up at the point-center position, with Knight at a serious size and skill disadvantage. Frey's strategy, luckily for Knight, seemed to be focused on his perimeter play, as his team's offense relied heavily on him receiving the ball at the top of the key on every single possession, then firing up 20 foot jump shots. Knight's squad used a motion offense peppered with moving picks and bank shots to keep the game close. With the score knotted at 9-9 (first to 11 by ones wins), Frey broke free on a fast break and dunked over Knight to make the score 10-9. Undeterred, Knight's team answered on the next possession to tie the game at 10-10, setting the stage for the Tenth Greatest Moment in The History of Cincinnati Sports. As Frey's teammate, the infamous "Jon the Duck" brought the ball up the court, Chris Knight's superior basketball IQ took the game over. Realizing that The Duck would attempt to pass the ball to Kevin Frey at the top of the key (as he had in every single possession previous), Knight stepped into the passing lane and knocked the ball into the backcourt. With Frey hot on his heels, Knight streaked towards the right side of the hoop at full speed where he executed this move:

Chris Knight 1.
Kevin Frey 0.
The Cincinnati Sports Scene was forever changed.

Thursday, October 05, 2006

Wave of Mutilation

Carson lays an egg

Yeah so that happened. The Bengals were annihilated by the Patriots last Sunday at Paul Brown Stadium. The game reminded me a lot of last years' home loss to the Steelers. Both games saw the Bengals look great on the first couple drives but settle for field goals. Then the other team got some momentum, the run defense got carved up, Palmer kept being forced into obvious passing situations, and all of the sudden it smelt like a blowout. The breaks didn't go the Bengals way (how was Kaesviharn's hit a penalty and Brian Russell's not?), but you're not gonna win too many games giving up 236 on the ground. Bottom line, a pretty embarrassing game for the Bengals, given the fact that they were in it until the 4th quarter and ended up losing by 25 at home. The real question for Bengals fans, though, is CAN I PANIC YET?

The answer is...yes, if you really want to, you can panic. The defense has looked terrible the last two weeks against the run (and against the pass last week, Gabriel's TD was ridiculous), the line doesn't look like it can protect Palmer like last year (10 sacks in the last two games), Palmer can't take a sack without coughing the ball up (5 fumbles the last two weeks, 3 lost), key players are out for the year (Pollack, Thurman, probably Braham), and the schedule doesn't really get any easier after the bye (@TB, vs.CAR, vs.ATL, @BAL) if you ignore the Tampa Bay game. So if you're given to panicking (and if you're from Cincy, there's at least a 50-50 chance you are), go ahead and do it.

I won't and here's why. My feeling is that if the defense has Dexter Jackson for the New England game, Maroney doesn't break off those runs. That guy is a much, much better safety than Kaesviharn. The other guy repeatedly victimized by the Maroney stiff-arm (sounds kinda dirty, doesn't it?) was Caleb Miller, who was replacing injured starter Rashad Jeanty. Yes the depth at linebacker worries me, but the guys filling in will get better as the season goes along. Same goes for the new O-lineman, Gesundheit or whatever his name is. And Carson is still rusty. And Chris Perry hasn't played a down yet. And Chris Henry was sitting out. Yadda, yadda, and yadda. Bottom line, this team should be a lot better going forward, and let's not forget they started off 3 and 1 against some pretty good competition. I say let hope spring eternal for these Bengals, once their offense starts hitting on all cylinders, they'll be very tough to beat. Now if we can just keep them all out of jail during the bye week....