Behind the Wheel

My little girl
I prefer
You behind the wheel
and me the passenger

So I'm a little late on this one (I know I know, you missed me), but another Bengal got arrested and everyone went apeshit. People have been throwing their moral outrage around like Wii controllers with defective velcro. The Enquirer ran an awesome "Bengals rap sheet" sidebar in an article about the arrest that lists the series of infractions the club has racked up since the beginning of 2006. Also Marvin Lewis, dangerously close to taking some of my advice from September, invited a cop to speak to the Bengals about the dangers of driving under the influence before the season ended, and the Bengals have now created a 24 hour hot-line for their presumably hammered employees to call when they need a ride. More recently, Mike Brown even came out from his self-imposed media exile after Chris Henry's sentencing (one of his previous charges ) to talk tough (Henry served two days for being around minors while they were drinking alcohol and received a saucy tongue-lashing from the judge at the hearing to boot).

This is all great stuff really, if you're into the whole athletes are destroying the moral fiber of society thing. I'm not so much. And believe me, that's not to say it isn't very frustrating to root for a team that can't seem to get its shit together (on or off the field). But I'm ready to look at this last incident in a completely different way than the other arrests. I think we actually took a step forward here, and I'll tell why:

1. Joseph had a designated driver.

He assessed the situation and determined that the chick he was with was the number one sober. That's solid work there. Is it really his fault that she can't drive?

2. Dude was carrying his weed in a Super Bowl LX bag, next to a video game system.


You see? These guys are thinking about what it takes to win championships. I see this as kind of like that thing that Riley did with the Heat last year where he had everybody put all this important shit in a bowl or something to motivate the team. Which means that Joseph was probably on his way to pick up one of Henry's guns, Steinbach's boating license, Odell's "peanut butter crank", and AJ Nicholson's lifted stereo to stuff it all into the bag. Then Marvin was gonna put a padlock on the bag, give a motivational speech or two, and the Bengals were gonna fly through next season and win the Super Bowl by two touchdowns. Too bad the cops had to go and fuck up the whole plan.

3. Maybe I'm a glass half-full guy, but isn't this arrest #1?

People like to say that 9 Bengals have been arrested, I guess because that sounds like a big number. But really, it's 2007 people. Let's put those 8 other arrests (from 2006) behind us. And you can't keep counting Henry, okay? It's not fair. That's like calling traveling on your 6 year old cousin in a family pick up game. Just bad form. And for the record, I predict only 5 (non-Henry) arrests for the Bengals this year (a pretty significant decrease). Let me know if you want the over or the under.

NEVER MIND THE BULLOCKS.....

Chicago Bears running back Cedric Benson is congratulated by teammates after his 12-yard touchdown run in the fourth quarter. At right is the Saints' Josh Bullocks.

HERE'S THE REX PISTOL(S)

Rex Grossman flexes his manliness

I know the title isn't "post" punk, but I couldn't resist.

So it looks like I'll be rooting for the Bears in the Super Bowl now. I lived in Chicago for four years so it's not really a huge stretch. And a close friend of mine from Lake Forest was so excited about the game today that he violated a man law and baked orange and blue butter cookies for the game (if you're gonna violate a man law, I say do it with panache and nothing says panache like orange and blue butter cookies. Those bitches were good too). Also, the Bears do have a "C" on their helmets right? Can't I just pretend?

Talk About The Passion-Part IV

An ongoing (and highly subjective) series highlighting the ten greatest moments in Cincinnati Sports History.

7. Xavier defeats Princeton 65-58 to advance to the 1999 NIT Semifinals.

Yeah, that's what I'm talkin about! A quarterfinal NIT victory is #7 on my top ten Cincinnati sports moments of all time! This should make it clear that (A) Cincinnati sports fans have absolutely nothing else to care about over the winter and (B) I really like Xavier (we'll get back to this later). To the event:

Wednesday, March 19th, 1999, the Cincinnati Gardens. I somehow managed to make it home from Chicago for this game, since I can't remember how I did it I'll just have to assume that I cut some classes and took the Greyhound. The bus ride was always action packed (especially the super-depressing transfer at the Indianapolis bus station) but couldn't be beat for the cost (30 bucks, I believe). And besides I had to watch my boys play one last time.

When I say my "boys", I am of course referring to the seniors of that year's team; Lenny Brown, Gary Lumpkin, and James Posey. This was the team that had knocked off UC and Danny Fortson in 1996 to put the Xavier program on the map nationally. UC was ranked #1 at the time, and Fortson was on the cover of SI's college basketball preview that year. X had had some NCAA success in the past, but this was a shocking road win early in the season that led to X being ranked in or near the top 25 for nearly the next two full seasons. Basically that kind of credibility was unheard of for Xavier, a small private school that had previously played in the now-defunct MCC before joining the Atlantic 10. The Musketeers got bounced by a tough UCLA team in the 2nd round of NCAA tourney in 97, then went on to have a very strong 97-98 season (possibly the best Xavier team ever, Posey came of the bench as a Junior that year) only to fall in a first round matchup against the University of Washington in the 98 NCAAs (that game still haunts me). The following year their key player (and arguably the most talented of the group, including Posey) Darnell Williams suffered a major knee injury playing in an offseason exhibition. Williams' injury, coupled with the loss of X's frontcourt from the previous two seasons (TJ Johnson and Torraye Braggs) to graduation, left the 98-99 season as a huge disappointment for Xavier fans. The team failed to make the NCAA tournament and landed in the dreaded NIT.


The Princeton game was the last game Xavier's seniors would ever play at the Cincinnati Gardens, since they moved into their fancy new (read: sterile and totally boring) on-campus facility, the Cintas Center in the 2000-2001 season. The Gardens was the best place to watch a basketball game in Cincinnati (the Cincinnati Royals played there from 1957 to 1972). It was also a great place to watch hockey games, circuses, roller derbies, monster truck jams, and gun shows. Opposing teams hated playing there as they rarely got a chance to practice before their game because of all the other events taking place. It was a fairly large, poorly lit concrete box that always smelled like a combination of stale popcorn, sweat, and some sort of unidentifiable animal musk (leftover from the circus I hope). When the place got loud (which it often did), the noise level was deafening.

The Princeton game was a fitting end for the Musketeer basketball team that season. X was very talented around the perimeter (Lenny Brown was their leading scorer at the 2), and extremely inexperienced in the frontcourt (they started two Freshmen at the 4 and 5, Kevin Frey and Aaron Turner). When the guards and Posey got hot, the team was unstoppable. When Brown and Lumpkin's shots weren't falling, the team was pedestrian to quite-pedestrian. In the first half of the Princeton game, the latter scenario took place with Princeton running its frighteningly efficient motion offense to perfection and Xavier struggling to find open looks. X's coach at the time, the ever quotable Skip Prosser described it thusly:

The beginning (of that game) was a clinic of dunks and layups for them. They were running their offense around us like we were a bunch of orange cones.

God love him. Anyway, halftime score, Princeton 35 Xavier 23. Doesn't sound bad, but a 12 point deficit against Princeton is a 20 point deficit against any other team. Usually falling behind a team that slows down the tempo of the game like Princeton just plays right into their hands. As the second half started, I was prepared for terrible shot selection and turnovers, but this would not be Xavier's fate on this fine day.

So I think this is where I'm gonna start to get a little cheesy (dial-a-cliche time, if you will). You know how when you're watching a sporting event and you can literally see one team decide that it's going to win the game (Cliche #1). That's what happened to X. They had been pressing full-court the whole game, but in the 2nd half, it finally started to get to Princeton. They comeback was pretty slow at first (Princeton extended its lead to 15 on an early three), but once Princeton started turning the ball over, the pace picked up and the crowd started to smell the blood in the water (#2). Princeton was only able to get off 19 shots in the 2nd half; within ten minutes after the half started, it was clear that by the sheer application of their will, Xavier was going to win the game (#3). Everyone in the Gardens knew what was happening and cheered and screamed accordingly. I had probably been to upwards of 40 games at that gym in my life, and I had never heard it sound quite like that. I was 20 years old at the time, close to the same age as a lot of the players on the court. It's kind of weird looking back on that now because I realize now how young college athletes really are (and conversely, how old I am), but at the time, they were my peers. I felt that once in a lifetime bond with them (#4). They weren't pro athletes that were making tons of money and receiving constant attention. They weren't even pampered jocks at a big time state school with a huge booster network. They were guys that weren't heavily recruited out of high school from some rough neighborhoods (Brown and Lumpkin were both from Wilmington DE) who were taking classes, studying for exams (or at least having some nuns study for them), playing a shitload of mid-major basketball games on regional cable and the occasionaloff-season pickup game at Xavier's gym. I basically lived out all of my sports fantasies through them vicariously. These were guys that most people could never pick out of a lineup, but for me, they were my somewhat secret imaginary friends. Much cooler and blacker than my real friends.

Xavier took the lead for good 50-49, with 6 minutes left in the game. Posey knocked down some huge shots in the 2nd half, including some must-have free throws in the game's waning minutes. He was the most talented of the bunch but still seemed to score all of his baskets via the garbage route. He was a hustle player; the perfect embodiment of that team. When the buzzer sounded and X had won the game 65-58, the PA system started playing New York, New York by Sinatra. My brother (age 26) and I stormed the court. We got out into the middle of the floor, found Posey, and picked him up (my brother did most of the picking up, since he was, and still is, much more dieseled than I). As we were carrying James around the court, we caught a glimpse of Byron Larkin, XU's all time leading scorer, color commentator, and guy who would regularly destroy us in the lunch time pickup games at X's gym seated at the press row. He was in the middle of doing the postgame wrap-up when he saw us and started laughing. We gave him a thumbs up (accompanied by the obligatory shit-eating grin) and laughed right back. After we finally let Posey go, my brother was so wired that we hit up the souvenir stand for some jerseys (we come from very cheap German stock, the thought of buying anything from the overpriced kiosks at the stadium had never occurred to us before). They were out of Poseys so we ended up with a Lloyd Price (which turned out to be a huge mistake) and a Darnell Williams. Guess which one I got?


That would be Darnell Williams. The next Michael Finley (only more clutch) if he hadn't blown out his knee. He was NBA material, no doubt. And yes, I am a huge nerd. By the way, Xavier went on to lose to Clemson in the semis by 3 points, and then destroy Oregon in the consolation game (they have those in the NIT!) by 30. So the Seniors went out on a win in a tournament. Only two other teams get to do that (the NIT and NCAA champ), so they were clearly the 3rd ranked team in the nation that year. In my heart anyway (#5). Darnell came back from his knee surgery the next season without his old explosiveness. He gritted it out anyway and adjusted his game to become a 3-point specialist (and a good one at that). He poured in 18 first half points against UC that next year to help in yet another upset of the #1 team in the nation. And yes, I still wear the jersey. Occasionally.

We Hate It When Our Friends Become Successful

Oh, look at those clothes
Now look at that face, it's so old

This picture was taken approximately 1 second after Bill Belichick throat punched a photographer (who was brazenly standing in front of Eric Mangini, doing his job) and approximately one second before he shoved a different cameraman (who was brazenly standing behind Belichick, also doing his job) out of his way. Apparently I'm the only one who noticed this as the "hug heard round the world" dominated the CBS broadcast. "He hugged him! He hugged him!" Wow, what a warm lovable guy. And his hoodies are soooo cute! Whatever, this guy is a complete asshole, and I'm pretty sure his inner monologue as he walked to shake Mangini's hand went something like this:

I fucking hate you Eric Mangini. How dare you leave my staff to coach for a team in my division. I can't believe you beat us here earlier this year, I am so glad we just crushed your playoff hopes. I am a golden fleece-wearing coaching God. You are a Man-gina. I'm gonna give you a fucking hug, asshole, just to piss you off. GHAAAARG! (insert throat-punch sound effect)

Hugs Mangini

"Great game coach."

GHAAAARG! (insert whimpering photographer sound effect). That's right bitches. I'm a nice fucking guy. Can't wait to bang my mistress.

It Could Be You

But don't worry
If it's not your lucky number
cos tomorrow there's another
Could be you
Could be me

Cowboys fans: Welcome to my world.

I Hate You (But You're Interesting)

It's a crazy little world without you

I caught some shit when I was home for Christmas from a friend who was pissed about my lack of coverage of the Crosstown Shootout. Since I was unable to actually watch the game, I thought regurgitating other people's accounts of it would be pretty lame. But alas, I can't stand the thought of being accused of not talking about the biggest college game of the year in Cincinnati because my team lost, so here's what I have to say about the Shootout.

What shootout?

That UC-XU game that ESPN deigned not ready for primetime TV (which UC dominated, by the way) wasn't the shootout. The shootout is actually happening tonight. Bob Huggins vs. Xavier is more exciting right now for Cincy (and the rest of the nation apparently, as it will be televised on ESPN2) than UC vs. XU. The game features two possible tournament teams looking for another quality non-conference win before the conference schedule kicks in. K-State has one of the top freshmen in the nation, Bill Walker (from North College Hill in Cincinnati, OJ Mayo's former teammate) and has won six straight, including a big win over a tough USC team. Xavier rebounded from losing 3 of its last 4 (@Creighton, @UC, and Bucknell) by knocking off Illinois 66-59 last Friday. UC followed its big win over Xavier with a humiliating blowout loss to Ohio State and is now making news again for academic problems. Who cares about UC without Huggins anyway?

As a lifelong Xavier fan, I was taught to hate all things Bearcat related. This pretty easy during my formative years as Xavier was always playing the role of the small private Jesuit college with a solid basketball team that does things the "right way" in contrast to UC's "let's punch police horses and not graduate any players" strategy. Huggins, though, is still widely loved in the Nati, even after drunk driving arrest that helped lead to his forced resignation. I've heard a number of stories about run-ins with the Huggy Bear at different bars in the Nati area, one involving him singing Frank Sinatra songs and refusing to accept a ride home after getting completely annihilated. People love that shit. Last year's Shootout was peppered with shots of Huggins drinking in a private box with some cronies. The man is just good television.

Tonight's game should be an exciting one, as Huggins probably knows a lot more about XU than Miller knows about K-State. XU showed it could play physically with Illinois and will need to continue to play that way to win this game. As long as X doesn't rely on it's favorite pastime, chucking up 20 3-point attempts a game, it should be a barn burner. It's also Walker's homecoming, and he'll be looking to make a splash. In the shootouts of old, the hungrier team almost always won, and I expect this game to be no different. And if you're at a bar in the Tri-State area after the game this evening, buy Huggy a drink for me...even though he probably won't need it.

Uncertain Smile

a broken soul stares from a pair of watering eyes,
uncertain emotions force an uncertain smile...

Well if you thought last week's loss to the Denver Broncos was painful...

I'd really rather not go into detail about the final game of the Bengals' 2006 season against the hated Pittsburgh Steelers. The one thing that really pissed me off as I drunkenly watched another playoff opportunity go down the toilet was the end-of-game clock management by Marvin Lewis. Lewis decided to burn a timeout with a minute left in the 4th quarter before a FG attempt by the Steelers. He did this previously at the end of the FIRST half of the Baltimore game (and it worked), but unfortunately no one informed Marvin that this was a very different situation. It was the 2nd half, the FG was a chip shot, and even if it was good, the Bengals still had a minute to kick a field goal of their own. The Bengals ended up needing that timeout very badly, as they almost immediately moved the ball to the Steelers' 20 with 30 seconds left in the game on 50 yard pass to Chris Henry. Had they still had two timeouts, the Bengals could've used one after the completion, then ran two or more plays to get into better field goal position or even go for the endzone. Instead, a team that had just lost to the Broncos because of its failure to convert a PAT put even more pressure on its special teams. The last four offensive plays of the Bengals' season looked like this:

1st down from the 20: Spike
Timeout
2nd Down from the 20: Palmer takes a knee
3rd Down from the 22: Spike
4th Down: Graham misses a 39 yard FG attempt.

The spike-timeout sequence was particularly embarrassing. This was the last game of the season, how in the world is this team not prepared to run a two minute drill? The spike stops the clock, then you call any play your little heart desires, because you still have a timeout left. Fucking maddening.

In other news, Marvin Lewis is heading up a NFL group this offseason that will lobby for a new rule implementing a league wide policy that allows each team one "do-over" a game on kicking plays. Shayne Graham, Brad St. Louis, and Kyle Larson however are all terrified by the thought of fucking up twice in a row.

You Have Killed Me

As I live and breathe, you have killed me. You have killed me.

After 15 years of relying on the tried an true tactic of consistent and embarrassing ineptitude, the Cincinnati Bengals football franchise has discovered a far more effective means of torturing the people of Southwestern Ohio. Their new plan (which has been in development since the hiring of head coach Marvin Lewis in 2003) was finally unveiled in its full glory on Christmas Eve in Denver's INVESCO Field at Mile High Stadium last Sunday. No longer satisfied with suffering humiliating blowouts in meaningless late season games, the Bengals have moved on to perfecting the art of the heartbreaking loss. Certainly, the precedent for this kind of a loss existed within the storied history of the franchise (see Montana, Joe or Knee Surgery, Reconstructive), but this recent defeat was special not necessarily because of external forces acting upon the Bengals, but the repeated internal combustion of said Bengals. This game featured a number of new twists. The Cincinnati defense and offensive line played very well, while the marquee position players made costly mistakes, turning the ball over four times. And then for the icing on the cake, the Bengals recovered from their sloppy play for the last three minutes of the game, driving all the way down the field in the closing minutes of the fourth quarter to eventually score on a 10 yard TD pass to Houshmandzadeh. Then, on the ensuing PAT attempt, Brad St. Louis' snap was fumbled by Kyle Larson. The Bengals then attempted an onside kick and recovered it, only to have the play nullified by an offsides penalty. As a result of this game (and it's effect on the people of the Greater Cincinnati area), military officials in Guantanamo Bay are now rumored to be contacting the Bengals franchise to gather more information about their ground-breaking mass torture techniques.

There's nothing quite like having your holiday weekend interrupted by a game like this one. You could have given me an autographed copy of The Queen is Dead for Christmas after the game, and I wouldn't have given a shit. My 12 year old cousin asked me during the game if I was going to cry if the Bengals lost (he could tell I was little invested), and I told him "No, but I'll probably want to". That pretty much sums it up. I went through the motions at the Christmas Eve dinner, then tried to distract myself by doing a puzzle with my Aunt (and believe me, I kicked that puzzle's ASS). It was not a very Merry Christmas.

By far the most horrifying repercussion of the loss though, was not my foul mood on Christmas Eve. It was the fact that I was subjected to watch (and care about) the Jets-Dolphins game on Monday night. The game also had fantasy implications for me, as I was down by 9 points in the championship game of my secondary league. My only remaining player was the Dolphins defense. Halftime score: 0-0. If the Dolphins can just kick a field goal...but no, the Jets score the game's first points. Wait, but then the Dolphins score a touchdown! Holy shit, an offensive explosion courtesy of some guy named Cleo Lemon who my playoff hopes now rest on. Dolphins are up 7-3, and there's no way Pennington can do any more than get the Jets in field goal range again. Wrong again, Chad throws his first pass of longer than 20 yards for a TD and the Jets lead 10-7. This happens after he ridiculously underthrows a pass directly at a Dolphins cornerback named Andre Goodman, who of course, dropped it. This cost me a fantasy football championship, and a playoff berth. But the Dolphins still have a chance. Lemon is driving them down the field. They're in the red zone and almost make a first down on the Jets six. It's fourth and inches, but lucky for me, the Dolphins have nothing to play for and they're at home, so they're definitely going for it. I can see the QB sneak in my head (the Dolphins line was manhandling the Jets' front all game long) until I look at the TV where I see the Dolphins field goal unit head onto the field. Nick Saban. You. Are. A Pussy. The Dolphins tie the game, then promptly give up 60 yards to the Jets on a screen pass. Mike Nugent hits the chip shot to win the game, and it sure looks like the Jets, and not the Bengals, are heading to the playoffs. Which is a travesty really. I have a better arm than Pennington. I do, I swear. The only good thing about having to watch this game is that it made me realize that the Jets could actually lose to the Raiders. I'm not saying it will happen, but it's possible. The Raiders defense will probably have to score, but Jets could lose to ANYBODY. Unfortunately, so could the Bengals. Except for Cleveland. We own them. Who Dey?

Tiny Daggers

Who put those tiny daggers...in your heart?????

That didn't go so well. The Bengals lost to the Colts on Monday Night Football 34-16, in a game that was way less interesting than last year's matchup (or this year's Chargers game for that matter). The reason this game wasn't more competitive was pretty obvious to anyone who tuned in for a few minutes. Peyton Manning dominated the game. The Bengals defensive scheme was to give the Colts anything they wanted underneath....and the Colts took everything they wanted underneath. This was in stark contrast to the Bengals offensive performance, which was marred by dropped passes, terrible pass protection, and a horrid 3rd down conversion percentage. Also, I think a lot of people are disappointed that the Bengals didn't take more shots down the field to exploit the injuries in the Colts secondary. I, for one, am not, and this is probably because every time Carson dropped back to pass the ball, he was in danger of being maimed. He got blown up on a key 3rd and 5 on the Bengals first possession and fumbled, and that pretty much set the tone for the whole game. Andrew Whitworth, Levi Jones' replacement, could not block Dwight Freeney, and, after Willie Anderson left the game, Stacy Andrews (his replacement) couldn't block Robert Mathis to save his (or his quarterback's more importantly) life. It was kind of scary to watch. I'd much rather the Bengals lose this game than see Carson get injured (more on this later). Anyway, time for random thoughts:

1. The Bengals could have really used Chris Perry.
Kenny Watson filled in admirably, but Perry's explosiveness really hurt the Colts last year, and on at least one occasion, Watson was tackled from behind in the open field in a situation where Perry could have taken it to the house.

2. The Bengals could have really used Chris Henry.
Oh wait, he was there? Oh, that was him was alligator-arming all those deep balls and making endzone drops? Shocking.

3. The Bengals have a very hard time against teams when they let the quarterback sit in the pocket and pick them apart.
I could probably count the number of blitzes I saw in this game on one hand. Granted, Manning is a master at making quick reads, but as some point the defensive strategy needed to change, and it never did. For God's sake, Mike Vick carved up this pass defense when he had all day to throw.

4. The Bengals match up very poorly against the Colts.
To beat the Colts you need an explosive runner, a good edge rusher, and a DB who can cover either Wayne or Harrison in man coverage without melting into the field turf. The Bengals have none of the above. Next week's game against the Broncos will certainly not be easy, but facing a rookie QB with a mediocre offense is much preferable for the Bengals D, even if the Broncos D is much better than the Colts'.

5. I wonder if the Bengals wouldn't be better off without Rudi Johnson.
Don't get me wrong, I love Rudi's HHD (that's heart, hustle, and determination, not a venereal disease), but he seemed to be missing a lot of holes last night. Maybe I'm just spoiled by all the LaDainian highlights floating around, but I think the Bengals would be way more dangerous with a flex-type back as a starter. Think Steven Jackson, Maurice Jones-Drew, or even Kevin Jones; a guy who can catch the ball out of the backfield and break off big runs, but still pound it in when he needs to. Chris Perry looked like he might be that guy eventually, but then he came down with a mean case of Ki-Jana-itis (or Ki-Jaundice, if you prefer). A shame.
I do think though, that Rudi would be a better fit for a ball control team that wears you down with the run.

6. The Bengals need a healthy O-line if they are going to do anything this year/ever.
Levi Jones, Rich Braham, and Willie Anderson were all out last week, and it showed. Hopefully, at least two of three will be ready for Sunday. If they aren't, and Carson is getting pressured this much next week, I say let Anthony Wright run the show. I'm serious, if Palmer gets hurt because he's playing behind three rookies and trying to make the playoffs in a year where the Bengals don't have a legitimate chance to win it all, I will never forgive Marvin Lewis. This team has a great future, but if Carson goes down again, it may be back to the Lost Decade part II.

7. Bengals fans will never forget the Lost Decade.
It haunts the recesses of our minds, and on nights like Monday, it haunts the opposite of the recesses (class time?) too. I was surrounded by Bengals fans twitching and moaning (myself included) all night on Monday. Even when the Bengals weren't actually fucking up, people were getting upset. That's because the game followed a pattern we were all too familiar with. Bengals tease us with glimmer of hope (1st half fumble recovery and ensuing TD), then proceed to put tiny daggers in our hearts (10 yard completion after 10 yard completion...). At the end of it, the scene was kind of like being around a bunch of recovering heroine addicts trying not to fall back into their old habits after taking some methodone. Let's hope that the Broncos game doesn't make us chase the dragon.

Barbarism Begins at Home

A crack on the head
Is just what you get
WHY ? Because of who you are !

The Knicks and Nuggets went AT IT Saturday night at the garden and were just a few fans short of Palace at Auburn Hills caliber melee. The suspensions were handed down by David Stern today, resulting in Carmelo Anthony getting suspended for 15 games, JR Smith and Nate Robinson each picked up a 10 game suspension, while Mardy Collins got hit up for 6. This looks really bad for the Knicks, but I think there is a silver lining for them in all of this. They finally found their intimidating presence in the paint. And his name is Nate Robinson.


Nate's blocked Yao Ming and now pretty much challenged every Nugget player he could find to a fight, and scared the shit out of Carmelo Anthony in the process. Did you see Melo running away from him at the end of the fight? This guy is the new Shaq. And I totally know why he's such a badass. Nate's from Seattle, and if you don't think Seattle is a town full of badasses...well, you clearly weren't at the rehearsal dinner for my friend Dave's wedding dinner in University Heights this summer when I got punched in the chest by a random guy off the street (right before he did it, he said my favorite quote of the year: "You guys think you're super-cool huh?") My friend Dave, who has lived in Seattle long enough to know how to keep his head on a swivel in a vicious cockfight, responded in kind, landing two hits on the guy and pinning him to the wall with the help of his father, a 60 year old man. The message, don't fuck with Seattle. Now that the rest of the NBA has learned that, Knicks can go ahead and trade Eddy Curry for Allen Iverson and field a squad that looks like this:

PG: Stephon Marbury
SG: Allen Iverson
SF: Jamal Crawford
PF: Quentin Richardson
C: Nate Robinson

I don't know about you, but I'd go to see that team play.

Sorrow Will Come In The End

"And as sure as my words are pure.....I praise the day that brings you pain"

I'm generally not a very angry person. I get frustrated easily, but it really takes a lot to piss me off. A man named Burke Magnus, however has gone above and beyond the call of duty this week, with his recent comments to the Cincinnati Enquirer regarding ESPN's decision to carry the Crosstown Shootout on ESPNU. Have a look:

Burke Magnus, ESPNU's vice president and general manager, said sports tiers offer far fewer subscribers than digital basic cable subscribers. This means less exposure - and ultimately revenue - for his channel that offers quality content like the Crosstown Shootout.

And ESPN is working hard to protect that content. Local station WXIX (Channel 19) approached ESPN about showing a split feed of Wednesday's game locally, but ESPN ended the discussion after two conversations.

Regarding this year's Crosstown Shootout, Magnus said the game isn't good enough to be on ESPN or ESPN2, carried by Time Warner.

"ESPNU is here to give the game a home," Magnus said. "Mick (Cronin) is a new UC coach, and UC isn't projected to have one of their better years. Believe me, when it's back to two Top 25 teams playing, it will probably be on ESPN or ESPN2."

But the Shootout is more than a game in Cincinnati - it's an event. Ratings on either ESPN or ESPN2 have been above 13.2 four of the past five years, none of which featured both teams in the Top 25.

Okay let me get this straight fuckface; ESPNU is "giving the game a home" even though no one in the Greater Cincinnati area can watch it without a satellite? Wow you guys are great people! Why don't you give a Taco Bell Gordita a home in your stomach and die of E.Coli while you're at it. Oh and wait, I love how he comes out so strong in the last quote "Believe me, when it's back to two Top 25 teams playing, it will probably be on ESPN or ESPN2." Oh, then it will probably make it on ESPN 2! You are so kind and generous, oh beneficent Lord of television programming! What a wonderful television network you're creating by using loyal fans as pawns and preventing them from watching one of the biggest local sporting events of the year! Go fuck yourself ESPN, ESPNU, and Burke Magnus. You could've at least let a local station PAY YOU to air the game in the area. You guys are just a bunch of degenerates. I can't even write any more I'm so angry. I'll just leave the rest to Morrissey:

So dont close your eyes (ESPN)
Dont ever close your eyes
You think you've won
Oh no

By the way, If you haven't listened to the track referenced in this post yet, download it immediately. Your reward will be great and plentiful.

Sweet and Tender Hooligan(s)

He swore that he'd never never do it again....not until the next time

The Bengals took care of business this Sunday, defeating the hapless Oakland Raiders 27-10. The offense moved the ball more or less at will against a very good Raiders D, not punting once the entire game. Turnovers were the only thing holding the Bengals back, with Palmer throwing three picks and Rudi fumbling (for the first time since 2004) in Raider territory. TJ, CJ, and Rudi all went for over 100 yards while the defense consistently got pressure on Aaron Brooks, sacking him four times. The win gives the Bengals an 8-5 record and the lead in the AFC wild card race thanks to losses from Denver, KC, and the Jets. The Bengals are right where they want to be.

A few thoughts....

1. Everyone keeps saying that the Raiders are the new Bungles (90's Bengals), but I think Oakland's still got a ways to go. Right now they appear to be in their Bengals circa 94 phase, experiencing only their fourth year of dismalness. Aaron Brooks looks a little like Jeff Blake, only worse (which is ironic since he took Blake's job in New Orleans), but other than having consistently dreadful teams and scrambling QB's with accuracy problems, there's not a whole lot in common between the present Raiders and the old Bengals. The 90's Bengals were known for their high powered offenses with WRs Carl Pickens and Darnay Scott and terrible defenses (one of their starting CB's, Rod Jones, was nicknamed "toast"), while the present Raiders have the worst offense in the NFL and a very good defense.

Regardless, the inverse of this argument seems to work a lot better. The Bengals look a lot like a talented Raiders team from the 80's that just might have a few character issues (read: a ridiculous amount of players with arrest records). The latest members of the Bengals Brotherhood of the Breathalyzer are Reggie McNeal and Deltha O'Neal, a couple of good Irish kids. They join Eric Steinbach, Odell Thurman, A.J. Nicholson, Matthias Askew, Frostee Rucker, and of course, the founding member, Chris Henry. A couple of these guys actually were charged with crimes before they ever played for the Bengals, but I think that's really just a testament to the organization's nose for finding criminally-minded football players. The police should actually use the Bengals' scouting department in a kind of Minority Report capacity to prevent crimes before they happen. Just throw everyone the Bengals are thinking of drafting next year in jail RIGHT NOW. This could really help the war on crime. Wait, there's no war on crime? Let's see, terror....drugs...nope, no war on crime. Well fuck it then, let em' play.

2. McNeal just received an additional drug charge on top of his resisting arrest rap. He apparently laced a cigarette with some kind of an antihistamine that can be used as a sedative. Maybe he should've smoked it before he started smacking up that undercover cop.

3. I kind of wish that other cities could experience the level of coverage that the major New York teams (Mets, Yankees, Giants) receive. The Bengals would be a gold mine for cheesy back page headlines from the Post or the News. Yesterday would've been "DELTHA GROUNDED!". Or after Thurman's arrest for a DUI: "WALK THE LINE...BACKER". Okay, I'll stop now.

4. O'Neal got arrested at a checkpoint on State Route 125 at Bach Buxton Road, which is about a mile away from where I grew up in Clermont County (or for those of you unfamiliar with the area, between the 3rd and 4th Dairy Marts after the interstate). I was a little surprised that Deltha was driving around out there, because, as far as I know, the only strip club in Clermont County is on State Route 32, right around where Chris Henry was pulled over for his DUI (now that made sense). Maybe Deltha thought that the mile markers on 125 heading toward the town of Bethel said "Brothel 12 miles" instead of "Bethel 12 miles". Pure speculation.

Sweetest Perfection

I know that nothing can stop me

There are few things in life more circuitous and less fulfilling than conversations about fantasy sports. Everyone's just waiting for their turn to talk about their team. Most of these conversations go something like this:

"Hey, I've got this guy on my team, he's awesome!"
"Yeah I picked him up in my other league, he won the game for me last week."
"How about that guy? He's totally killing me."
"Yeah I drafted him last year, he totally sucks."
"Who should I start between these other two guys? Who's better?"
"Depends on the matchup."
(In this scenario, this guy is Marques Colston and that guy is Daunte Culpepper, these other two guys are Ahman Green and Thomas Jones)

Now I've actually resorted to writing about one of my own fantasy teams before, but that was on my birthday and hey fuck you I can do whatever I want. Anyway, I'm actually taking this opportunity to do something that almost never happens in the world of fantasy sports. I'm gonna try to talk about someone else's fantasy team. That would be my brother's.

Turd Sandwich has completely and utterly dominated the Pain Bowl 06. In order to accurately describe the complete and utter domination, I will enlist the help of the Yahoo Fantasy Sports Plus Record Book from our league:

Most Wins: TS, 13

Most Consecutive Wins: TS, 13

Largest Average Margin of Victory: TS, 30.54

Total Points: TS, 1258.51 (next closest, Ballz Deep 1078.87)

Most TD's: TS, 88

I'll spare you the Offensive Points and Points From a Kicker results because I think you get the idea. The only category I've got a stranglehold on (there I go again, talking about my team) is Smallest Margin of Defeat (10.84). And it's because Turd hasn't lost. He won one game by 5 points (88-83), one by 18 (91-73) and the rest by 20 or more. It's not like the rest of the league stopped paying attention either, all of the victories were well-earned. It's completely ridiculous. I looked at his team at the beginning of the year and didn't think they had a chance in hell to stay healthy and/or active the whole season. I was wrong.

So now we come to the playoffs. The only chance anyone has against The Juggernaut That Is Turd Sandwich is another late season tail-off from LaDainian Tomlinson (last season he only scored 1 TD after December) coupled with an injury to either Brian Westbrook or Terrell Owens or Darrell Jackson or Jamal Lewis or Jeremy Shockey. Yes he has all of those guys. But you know who's on my team? Marques Colston, and he's totally helped me out this year. I just need to get him healthy for the playoffs. Right now I'm thinking of starting Terrance Copper instead. Do you think the Saints are gonna throw the ball a lot on the Cowboys? Oh wait, I just picked up the Miami D.......

Everything In Its Right Place

Xavier enters the battle between man and computer

Xavier entered the AP poll at #24 for the first time since the end of the 2002-2003 (when they lost to Duke in the Elite 8) after improving to 6-1 this week with wins over Miami (OH) and Western Carolina. I was a little excited when I found out.

I told my girlfriend about it, and she asked a very good question: "what does that mean?". Well, it used to mean that I might get to catch a fleeting glimpse the Musketeers on ESPN's Sportscenter if I watched the whole thing. And that they'd have a better shot to make it into the NCAA tournament and get a better seed, yadda yadda yadda. Not anymore. ESPN's got their own poll now (just to confuse everyone) and the RPI (or HAL-9000, as I like to call it) now decides everything of import in college basketball. So while I'm excited that X is getting some national recognition after starting the season off well (their only loss is to the now #4 ranked Alabama team in the Paradise Jam finals), I'll be way more excited when Villanova wins a bunch of games against other Big East teams (or VCU takes down Drexel) since all that matters now is who you beat, and who they beat, and who they beat....

So the #24 (humanly) ranked Musketeers take on Detroit tomorrow night at the Cintas Center in Cincinnati. Go Muskies! Then after they beat Detroit, go Detroit! And then after Detoit beats Evansville....oh jesus, just open the stupid pod bay doors when I ask you to HAL.

A Rush And A Push And The Land Is Ours

It has been before and it shall be again

The Bengals defeated the Ravens tonight 13-7. I caught the game at a new location, Phebe's Taven & Grill in the East Village. I arrived with the lady and a friend at 9, just in time for kick-off. Wait, is that a 2 in the corner of the screen? Fuck, I guess I mean the 2nd quarter. I really hate the NFL network now, their website definitely said kickoff was at 9. We find an empty spot at the bar while I watch the Bengals drive and take in the new surroundings.

Phebe's is a little different from my usual viewing spot, the Turkey's Nest. I don't know quite how to put this, but Phebe's is just a little classier I guess. There aren't any drunk guys clearing out the crowd for their 3 year old daughter to use the bathroom for one. The drinks don't come in styrofoam cups for two. And there aren't any concrete-league softball games happening across the street for three. Oh and the 8 zillion flat screen HD TV's with full audio were a change from the usual 20-inch-Zenith-over-the-pool-table-setup. Also, no one yelled at me for the Bengals not covering the week before. Anyway, the game:

The Bengals looked great at the end of the first half sustaining a long drive downfield. Palmer was getting solid protection and making some great throws. They got to the goal-line and stalled out, though, after a Jeremi Johnson drop and a near TD completion to Reggie Kelly that Carson threw a little too much to the outside. Field goal, Bengals up 6-0. This worries me, only because I have bad memories of previous 2nd half defensive meltdowns, and six points are not a whole lot in the NFL. McNair and the Ravens confirm my fears by driving into Bengal territory as the half winds down. They get the ball to the 15 and go for the field goal. It's good. Shit, 6-3 at half. No they're kicking it again. This time it's not good. 6-0. Way to use that timeout Marvin.

The 2nd half opened up with the Bengals D getting a huge three and out from Baltimore. After getting the ball back, the first possession was destined to end in a Bengal punt. Offsides penalty, stuffed running play, bad protection forcing an incompletion (the Bengals lost Eric Gesundheit, their backup center at the end of the first half, and were playing some guy who had never taken a snap before at center) led to a 3rd and 14 from the Bengal 20. Time for the ole' shovel pass. I love this play. They tried it a few weeks ago against San Diego and it got stuffed, but when it works, it's a thing of beauty. Kenny Watson, 20 yard gain, first down. Then, a few succesful running plays and the highlight of the night, the flea-flicker to TJ. That was pretty much the game right there.

Random Thoughts (this post brought to you by beer #5):

1. Johnathan Joseph is a pretty good corner. If he could catch, he would be a great one. He dropped four, count em, four, possible INT's.

2. The Bengals D has come out of nowhere and started to play very well. They're using their coverage guys (Dexter Jackson, Kaesviharn) in blitz packages to get pressure and it's working.

3. Chad's highlight reel catch actually might have saved the whole game. If he doesn't bring that ball down, it sails right over his head and into Samari Rolle's hands (which are not Johnathan Joseph's hands) and possibly the other way for 6. With the game at 3-0 then, who knows what happens if it's intercepted.

4. If you want to beat the Ravens, don't turn the ball over. Their offense is mediocre at best.

5. I will now be carrying a Morrissey ProSet MusicCard in my wallet to every Bengals game for the rest of the year. My friend J-Ro brought it to the game tonight for me after unearthing it in his parent's house in Houston. It might be the coolest gift I've ever received. I'll let you behold it in all it's glory:


It's kind of hard to see, but the last sentence of his "stat sheet" reads as follows:

Bona Drag (1990) is a collection of rare, hard-to-find and
otherwise inacessible Morrissey tracks.

I'm sorry, did they say inacessible Morrissey tracks? I don't think they exist.

Check out the other amazing artists ProSet decided to immortalize here. I'd love to get my hands on that Lita Ford promo card.

Talk About The Passion-Part III

An ongoing (and highly subjective) series highlighting the ten greatest moments in Cincinnati Sports History.

8. Pete Rose shoves Dave Pallone, makes him gay (April 30, 1988)

The Key Players:

To say Pete Rose was a legend in the city of Cincinnati would be an understatement. I had a giant poster of him above my bed when I was 5. Coaches in Knothole leagues around the area didn't even bother to teach kids how to slide feet-first. When he was traded from the Expos to the Reds in 1984 and named player manager, the city went crazy. He won 426 games in four and a half seasons as the team's manager, finishing 2nd each year in the NL West while gambling on the team constantly. People in Cincinnati defended Rose throughout his gambling scandals, and many remained convinced that Pete had never bet on baseball until he finally admitted it in 2004.

Dave Pallone was the third youngest umpire to ever work in the major leagues. He joined the league in 1979, during an umpire strike. He called the All-star game at Comiskey Park in 1983, and in 1985, he called Nolan Ryan's 4,000th strikeout after catching Ryan's 3,997th strikeout in the family jewels, shattering his protective cup (which was subsequently signed by the pitcher). He was fired after the 1988 season by MLB, basically for being gay. He now works as a keynote speaker for diversity issues.

The Event:

Early in the 1988 season, the Reds played the Mets at Riverfront stadium. It was Kid Glove night at the stadium, so a bunch of young Knothole players (myself included) attended the game. With the score tied at 5-5 in the top of the ninth, Mookie Wilson was called safe at 1st base by Pallone. Rose charged at Pallone like he was a black jack table and began arguing with him. Pallone (Rose would argue later) jabbed Pete under the eye during the argument causing a small "abrasion". Pete lost his shit and shoved Pallone. Then the Reds fans lost their shit and threw debris on the field, pelting Pallone with beer bottles AND a boom box (or a ghetto blaster, it was 1988). The Reds went on to lose the game, and during my walk back to the parking lot, a group of drunken fans started up a cheer that I have never been able to forget:

To the tune of "When the Saints Go Marching In"

"Oh when the umps....
Come marching in...
Oh when the umps come marching in....
We will cut off...
All of their testicles...
When the umps come marching in."

Rose ended up with a 30 game suspension after the game, which was the longest suspension for an on-the-field incident in the history of the game. I'm not sure what Pete was up to during his suspension since the Dowd report only covers 1987. Pallone was fined $100, but the close brush with Rose changed his life forever. In 1990, he wrote "Behind the Mask", a book detailing his experience as a gay umpire. The world is still waiting for other baseball figures closely related to Rose (Joe Morgan, Johnny Bench, Ray Fosse) to follow suit and come out as well.

Pete Rose 0.
Dave Pallone 1.

I think Pallone's the clear winner.
He doesn't have any kids in jail for distributing steroids. Also he's never appeared on WrestleMania. I still love Pete though. And Jim Gray still sucks.

Lovecats

We couldn't get closer than this

The Bengals beat the Browns 30-0. That was special. That was just special. Let's recap the last three weeks of Bengal defense:

Wk10: vs. Chargers. The Bengals D let Philip Rivers and LDT return from a 21 point halftime deficit and give up 42 points in the 2nd half. Tomlinson admits after the game that it's actually easier to score on the Bengals in real life than in Madden 2007.

Wk11: @ Saints. Drew Brees throws for over 500 yards against a beat-up Bengals secondary, setting a Bengals franchise record for futility. The Saints only manage 16 points, though, thanks largely to two endzone INTs.

Wk12: @Browns. The Bengals D get their first shutout since 1989. Charlie Frye does his best Ben Roethlisberger imitation. He gets knocked down about 10 times, throws 17 INTs, followed by Braylon Edwards going completely out of his mind and trying to rip Frye's jersey off on the sideline. Bengals win 30-0.

Can't wait for next week. I mean....uhhhh.....four days from now? This Thursday game thing is weird. I can't get the NFL network, and I don't know anyone who can. Is the NFL just trying to piss me off or do they want me to spend even more time at bars? Very confusing.

Oscillate Wildly

My dad loves Ethan Kilmer

The Bengals beat the Saints 31-16 yesterday. And a guy named Ethan Kilmer returned a Drew Brees' INT for a TD. Kilmer played only one year of football in high school and was a walk-on for two years at Penn State. Great story.

Honestly, I kind of don't know what to do with this. I figured this would be my nail in the coffin blog, especially after the Saints tied the game at 7-7 with a Bill Cowher-esque flea flicker to Joe Horn (whose dance was completely ridiculous). The defense was missing all of its starting LB's, one CB (Deltha O'Neal), and one SS (Dexter Jackson). The O-line was missing three starters. Drew Brees passed for 500 yards. And I'm talking about Ethan Kilmer. Wow.

The fact that the Bengals were able to pull this game out is pretty amazing. They beat a division leading team with a high powered offense on the road. But let's get one thing straight. The Bengals defense is bad. I still fear for the future when they face Peyton Manning or any other quarterback not named Frye, Brooks, or Walter. Even still, they are in a position make a run for the playoffs. Beating Cleveland on the road will be a tougher game than it looks like on paper as Cleveland's D is very strong against the pass, but it's certainly winnable. Then it's Baltimore and the Raiders at home. A sweep of these three games would leave the Bengals at 8-5 going into two brutal road games @Denver and then @Indy. They could afford to lose one of these games and then come back to beat Pittsburgh at home on New Year's Eve to finish the season at 10-6. I see them winning a close game next week against Cleveland leaving their season to hinge on the Baltimore game next Thursday. I will be requesting the night off of work for that game, provided the Bengals take care of business this Sunday.

Also, I must take some credit for the victory this weekend. In my 12 team Fantasy Football league I benched Drew Brees for good luck. Don't worry, I still won and clinched a playoff spot thanks to the Miami D. Who Dey?!

Here Comes Your Man

It was a wait so long

With the Paradise Jam on tap for this weekend, the Xavier basketball season has officially started. The team lost to Gonzaga and the hated Adam Morrison last year in the first round of the NCAA tournament, and this year returns all of its starters while adding former McDonald's All-American Oklahoma transfer Drew Lavender. A strong freshman recruiting class gives the team extra depth, and the team's best player is named Stanley Burrell. In case you didn't know, that is also Hammer's real name. You can't touch that. (Xavier will also have Charles Bronson on their roster next year; this team is badass)

I get most of my Musketeer related news from my father; an alum of the school who hangs out around the O'Connor Sports Center a couple of times a week. This week we talked about the team's 79-46 opening win over Coastal Carolina. Apparently everybody looked good, but the pops wasn't thrilled with the play of Drew Lavender, the new point guard everyone has been drooling over. Let me give you some back story here. Last year, X's point guard, Dedrick Finn, was a terrible player and teammate who somehow managed to get himself embroiled in a custody battle over a dog and then got kicked off the team for good right before the conference tournament. Enter Johhny Wolf:


Johnny was a very good basketball player at St. Xavier High School in Cincinnati. His father was a great tennis player who my father apparenly runs into around town. Johnny did a fantastic job as a freshman of taking over a struggling team and putting them in a position to win basketball games. And win basketball games they did. Four in a row in the A-10 tournament in fact. But this year, Johnny's on the bench. And this really pisses of my dad.

Everybody's got their thing. For me, it's The Smiths and Morrissey. For Matt Ufford, it's cats wearing clothes. For Mark Foley, it's congressional pages. For my Dad, it's white point guards. He loves em'. He just can't help himself. Even if they're walk-ons, he still finds ways to demand that they should get more playing time. In the late nineties, there was this guy Pat Kelsey (who was another local kid, from Elder I think) on the Muskies roster. He got some PT, but the teams he was playing on were loaded with talent (James Posey used to come off the bench in 97). He was the co-captain and voted "most inspirational" player for 96 and 98. This was not good enough for my dad. Every time X lost a game, it was "I just don't get why Skip didn't put Kelsey in there. I mean, he can really shoot."

I completely understand where this is coming from. My dad loves underdogs. And since he's white, he usually loves white underdogs. And since he's only 5' 9", the only guys he can watch play basketball that remind him of himself are back-up white point guards. This is fine. I just am not looking forward to hearing constant criticism of Drew Lavender this year, juxtaposed with what-would-Johnny-have-done revisionism.

On a completely different topic, what's up with Keke Okerake singing all the songs for Bloc Party?


I hear Gordon Moakes (far right) has an awesome voice. They really ought to give him a chance.

The Hurting

Is it an horrific dream

Am I sinking fast......?

The Bengals lost to the Chargers on Sunday, 49-41. And I cannot believe I just typed that sentence.

I watched the game at my neighborhood Bengals bar again, with some of my friends from Cincy. Before the game we actually talked about how the Bengals really needed a blowout to get their confidence back and start a run at the playoffs. In the first half, our words were prophetic. The offense finally came around and dominated the game. The Chargers' couldn't get any traction on offense, and Palmer and Johnson looked unstoppable. At halftime we were practically giddy. We went across the street and threw the football around in the rain for a little while. Life was good.

Just before halftime, I checked my voicemail. My dad had called, excited about the first half. He ended the message by saying "I hope I didn't put the jinx on them".

(Interestingly enough, I thought about calling or texting a few friends before the 2nd half as well, but for some reason stopped myself. Perhaps it was because I didn't see the point in tempting fate with these Bengals. Or maybe I've just come to terms with the fact that I am hated for loving)

I can't really talk about the 2nd half too much. I will say that what the Chargers did to the Bengal defense was pretty similar to Frank Reich's comeback in 1993. Also, the Bengals defense is very bad. Peyton Manning may put up 80 on them. When Palmer fumbled on the 10 in the 4th quarter with the Bengals up 38-35, I sort of figured the game was over. When Tomlinson scored on the next play, I could feel the soil falling over Cincinnati's head.

During the walk home in the rain, I realized that I hadn't properly stretched before my halftime display of manliness. Stretching is important, I've learned, as one approaches 30. Also, when one has two herniated discs. Really though, at the end of this day, having stabbing pain in my back wasn't entirely inappropriate.