Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now

I was happy in the haze of a drunken hour
But heaven knows I'm miserable now

With 9 seconds left in regulation, Xavier led Ohio State 62-59. Justin Cage had just made the front end of a one-and-one. One more free throw, and the game is over. It rims out.

That's about all the reliving of the end of this game I can do right now, other than to say that I have never seen a more intentional foul in my entire life than the hit that Oden put on Cage to send him to the free throw line in the first place. I'll just have to file that one away with the Lewis Billups endzone drop from Super Bowl XXIII in the "memories that are too painful and anger-provoking to ever think of again" section of my brain. At this point, the only silver lining I can find in this cloud is that being a Bengals fan this season did help prepare me for the worst.

Just one more thing about the game. Justin Cage is one of my all-time favorite Xaver players, along with Darnell Williams, Byron Larkin, and Brian Grant. The guy did nothing but hustle his entire career and shot a perfect 8-8 from the field in the biggest game of his life while being defended by someone 6 inches taller than him. He singlehandedly took the game over in the 2nd half to give Xavier its lead. And it kills me to think that he might be remembered for missing a free throw when there were at least five or six other larger mistakes that X made down the stretch that he had nothing to do with. From all accounts, the guy is a complete class act off the court as well, and he will be graduating on time this spring. I will remember his Xavier career fondly.

Also, still fired. Unemployment sucks.

Uncertain Smile

a broken soul stares from a pair of watering eyes,
uncertain emotions force an uncertain smile...

Well if you thought last week's loss to the Denver Broncos was painful...

I'd really rather not go into detail about the final game of the Bengals' 2006 season against the hated Pittsburgh Steelers. The one thing that really pissed me off as I drunkenly watched another playoff opportunity go down the toilet was the end-of-game clock management by Marvin Lewis. Lewis decided to burn a timeout with a minute left in the 4th quarter before a FG attempt by the Steelers. He did this previously at the end of the FIRST half of the Baltimore game (and it worked), but unfortunately no one informed Marvin that this was a very different situation. It was the 2nd half, the FG was a chip shot, and even if it was good, the Bengals still had a minute to kick a field goal of their own. The Bengals ended up needing that timeout very badly, as they almost immediately moved the ball to the Steelers' 20 with 30 seconds left in the game on 50 yard pass to Chris Henry. Had they still had two timeouts, the Bengals could've used one after the completion, then ran two or more plays to get into better field goal position or even go for the endzone. Instead, a team that had just lost to the Broncos because of its failure to convert a PAT put even more pressure on its special teams. The last four offensive plays of the Bengals' season looked like this:

1st down from the 20: Spike
Timeout
2nd Down from the 20: Palmer takes a knee
3rd Down from the 22: Spike
4th Down: Graham misses a 39 yard FG attempt.

The spike-timeout sequence was particularly embarrassing. This was the last game of the season, how in the world is this team not prepared to run a two minute drill? The spike stops the clock, then you call any play your little heart desires, because you still have a timeout left. Fucking maddening.

In other news, Marvin Lewis is heading up a NFL group this offseason that will lobby for a new rule implementing a league wide policy that allows each team one "do-over" a game on kicking plays. Shayne Graham, Brad St. Louis, and Kyle Larson however are all terrified by the thought of fucking up twice in a row.

You Have Killed Me

As I live and breathe, you have killed me. You have killed me.

After 15 years of relying on the tried an true tactic of consistent and embarrassing ineptitude, the Cincinnati Bengals football franchise has discovered a far more effective means of torturing the people of Southwestern Ohio. Their new plan (which has been in development since the hiring of head coach Marvin Lewis in 2003) was finally unveiled in its full glory on Christmas Eve in Denver's INVESCO Field at Mile High Stadium last Sunday. No longer satisfied with suffering humiliating blowouts in meaningless late season games, the Bengals have moved on to perfecting the art of the heartbreaking loss. Certainly, the precedent for this kind of a loss existed within the storied history of the franchise (see Montana, Joe or Knee Surgery, Reconstructive), but this recent defeat was special not necessarily because of external forces acting upon the Bengals, but the repeated internal combustion of said Bengals. This game featured a number of new twists. The Cincinnati defense and offensive line played very well, while the marquee position players made costly mistakes, turning the ball over four times. And then for the icing on the cake, the Bengals recovered from their sloppy play for the last three minutes of the game, driving all the way down the field in the closing minutes of the fourth quarter to eventually score on a 10 yard TD pass to Houshmandzadeh. Then, on the ensuing PAT attempt, Brad St. Louis' snap was fumbled by Kyle Larson. The Bengals then attempted an onside kick and recovered it, only to have the play nullified by an offsides penalty. As a result of this game (and it's effect on the people of the Greater Cincinnati area), military officials in Guantanamo Bay are now rumored to be contacting the Bengals franchise to gather more information about their ground-breaking mass torture techniques.

There's nothing quite like having your holiday weekend interrupted by a game like this one. You could have given me an autographed copy of The Queen is Dead for Christmas after the game, and I wouldn't have given a shit. My 12 year old cousin asked me during the game if I was going to cry if the Bengals lost (he could tell I was little invested), and I told him "No, but I'll probably want to". That pretty much sums it up. I went through the motions at the Christmas Eve dinner, then tried to distract myself by doing a puzzle with my Aunt (and believe me, I kicked that puzzle's ASS). It was not a very Merry Christmas.

By far the most horrifying repercussion of the loss though, was not my foul mood on Christmas Eve. It was the fact that I was subjected to watch (and care about) the Jets-Dolphins game on Monday night. The game also had fantasy implications for me, as I was down by 9 points in the championship game of my secondary league. My only remaining player was the Dolphins defense. Halftime score: 0-0. If the Dolphins can just kick a field goal...but no, the Jets score the game's first points. Wait, but then the Dolphins score a touchdown! Holy shit, an offensive explosion courtesy of some guy named Cleo Lemon who my playoff hopes now rest on. Dolphins are up 7-3, and there's no way Pennington can do any more than get the Jets in field goal range again. Wrong again, Chad throws his first pass of longer than 20 yards for a TD and the Jets lead 10-7. This happens after he ridiculously underthrows a pass directly at a Dolphins cornerback named Andre Goodman, who of course, dropped it. This cost me a fantasy football championship, and a playoff berth. But the Dolphins still have a chance. Lemon is driving them down the field. They're in the red zone and almost make a first down on the Jets six. It's fourth and inches, but lucky for me, the Dolphins have nothing to play for and they're at home, so they're definitely going for it. I can see the QB sneak in my head (the Dolphins line was manhandling the Jets' front all game long) until I look at the TV where I see the Dolphins field goal unit head onto the field. Nick Saban. You. Are. A Pussy. The Dolphins tie the game, then promptly give up 60 yards to the Jets on a screen pass. Mike Nugent hits the chip shot to win the game, and it sure looks like the Jets, and not the Bengals, are heading to the playoffs. Which is a travesty really. I have a better arm than Pennington. I do, I swear. The only good thing about having to watch this game is that it made me realize that the Jets could actually lose to the Raiders. I'm not saying it will happen, but it's possible. The Raiders defense will probably have to score, but Jets could lose to ANYBODY. Unfortunately, so could the Bengals. Except for Cleveland. We own them. Who Dey?

Tiny Daggers

Who put those tiny daggers...in your heart?????

That didn't go so well. The Bengals lost to the Colts on Monday Night Football 34-16, in a game that was way less interesting than last year's matchup (or this year's Chargers game for that matter). The reason this game wasn't more competitive was pretty obvious to anyone who tuned in for a few minutes. Peyton Manning dominated the game. The Bengals defensive scheme was to give the Colts anything they wanted underneath....and the Colts took everything they wanted underneath. This was in stark contrast to the Bengals offensive performance, which was marred by dropped passes, terrible pass protection, and a horrid 3rd down conversion percentage. Also, I think a lot of people are disappointed that the Bengals didn't take more shots down the field to exploit the injuries in the Colts secondary. I, for one, am not, and this is probably because every time Carson dropped back to pass the ball, he was in danger of being maimed. He got blown up on a key 3rd and 5 on the Bengals first possession and fumbled, and that pretty much set the tone for the whole game. Andrew Whitworth, Levi Jones' replacement, could not block Dwight Freeney, and, after Willie Anderson left the game, Stacy Andrews (his replacement) couldn't block Robert Mathis to save his (or his quarterback's more importantly) life. It was kind of scary to watch. I'd much rather the Bengals lose this game than see Carson get injured (more on this later). Anyway, time for random thoughts:

1. The Bengals could have really used Chris Perry.
Kenny Watson filled in admirably, but Perry's explosiveness really hurt the Colts last year, and on at least one occasion, Watson was tackled from behind in the open field in a situation where Perry could have taken it to the house.

2. The Bengals could have really used Chris Henry.
Oh wait, he was there? Oh, that was him was alligator-arming all those deep balls and making endzone drops? Shocking.

3. The Bengals have a very hard time against teams when they let the quarterback sit in the pocket and pick them apart.
I could probably count the number of blitzes I saw in this game on one hand. Granted, Manning is a master at making quick reads, but as some point the defensive strategy needed to change, and it never did. For God's sake, Mike Vick carved up this pass defense when he had all day to throw.

4. The Bengals match up very poorly against the Colts.
To beat the Colts you need an explosive runner, a good edge rusher, and a DB who can cover either Wayne or Harrison in man coverage without melting into the field turf. The Bengals have none of the above. Next week's game against the Broncos will certainly not be easy, but facing a rookie QB with a mediocre offense is much preferable for the Bengals D, even if the Broncos D is much better than the Colts'.

5. I wonder if the Bengals wouldn't be better off without Rudi Johnson.
Don't get me wrong, I love Rudi's HHD (that's heart, hustle, and determination, not a venereal disease), but he seemed to be missing a lot of holes last night. Maybe I'm just spoiled by all the LaDainian highlights floating around, but I think the Bengals would be way more dangerous with a flex-type back as a starter. Think Steven Jackson, Maurice Jones-Drew, or even Kevin Jones; a guy who can catch the ball out of the backfield and break off big runs, but still pound it in when he needs to. Chris Perry looked like he might be that guy eventually, but then he came down with a mean case of Ki-Jana-itis (or Ki-Jaundice, if you prefer). A shame.
I do think though, that Rudi would be a better fit for a ball control team that wears you down with the run.

6. The Bengals need a healthy O-line if they are going to do anything this year/ever.
Levi Jones, Rich Braham, and Willie Anderson were all out last week, and it showed. Hopefully, at least two of three will be ready for Sunday. If they aren't, and Carson is getting pressured this much next week, I say let Anthony Wright run the show. I'm serious, if Palmer gets hurt because he's playing behind three rookies and trying to make the playoffs in a year where the Bengals don't have a legitimate chance to win it all, I will never forgive Marvin Lewis. This team has a great future, but if Carson goes down again, it may be back to the Lost Decade part II.

7. Bengals fans will never forget the Lost Decade.
It haunts the recesses of our minds, and on nights like Monday, it haunts the opposite of the recesses (class time?) too. I was surrounded by Bengals fans twitching and moaning (myself included) all night on Monday. Even when the Bengals weren't actually fucking up, people were getting upset. That's because the game followed a pattern we were all too familiar with. Bengals tease us with glimmer of hope (1st half fumble recovery and ensuing TD), then proceed to put tiny daggers in our hearts (10 yard completion after 10 yard completion...). At the end of it, the scene was kind of like being around a bunch of recovering heroine addicts trying not to fall back into their old habits after taking some methodone. Let's hope that the Broncos game doesn't make us chase the dragon.

Sorrow Will Come In The End

"And as sure as my words are pure.....I praise the day that brings you pain"

I'm generally not a very angry person. I get frustrated easily, but it really takes a lot to piss me off. A man named Burke Magnus, however has gone above and beyond the call of duty this week, with his recent comments to the Cincinnati Enquirer regarding ESPN's decision to carry the Crosstown Shootout on ESPNU. Have a look:

Burke Magnus, ESPNU's vice president and general manager, said sports tiers offer far fewer subscribers than digital basic cable subscribers. This means less exposure - and ultimately revenue - for his channel that offers quality content like the Crosstown Shootout.

And ESPN is working hard to protect that content. Local station WXIX (Channel 19) approached ESPN about showing a split feed of Wednesday's game locally, but ESPN ended the discussion after two conversations.

Regarding this year's Crosstown Shootout, Magnus said the game isn't good enough to be on ESPN or ESPN2, carried by Time Warner.

"ESPNU is here to give the game a home," Magnus said. "Mick (Cronin) is a new UC coach, and UC isn't projected to have one of their better years. Believe me, when it's back to two Top 25 teams playing, it will probably be on ESPN or ESPN2."

But the Shootout is more than a game in Cincinnati - it's an event. Ratings on either ESPN or ESPN2 have been above 13.2 four of the past five years, none of which featured both teams in the Top 25.

Okay let me get this straight fuckface; ESPNU is "giving the game a home" even though no one in the Greater Cincinnati area can watch it without a satellite? Wow you guys are great people! Why don't you give a Taco Bell Gordita a home in your stomach and die of E.Coli while you're at it. Oh and wait, I love how he comes out so strong in the last quote "Believe me, when it's back to two Top 25 teams playing, it will probably be on ESPN or ESPN2." Oh, then it will probably make it on ESPN 2! You are so kind and generous, oh beneficent Lord of television programming! What a wonderful television network you're creating by using loyal fans as pawns and preventing them from watching one of the biggest local sporting events of the year! Go fuck yourself ESPN, ESPNU, and Burke Magnus. You could've at least let a local station PAY YOU to air the game in the area. You guys are just a bunch of degenerates. I can't even write any more I'm so angry. I'll just leave the rest to Morrissey:

So dont close your eyes (ESPN)
Dont ever close your eyes
You think you've won
Oh no

By the way, If you haven't listened to the track referenced in this post yet, download it immediately. Your reward will be great and plentiful.

The Hurting

Is it an horrific dream

Am I sinking fast......?

The Bengals lost to the Chargers on Sunday, 49-41. And I cannot believe I just typed that sentence.

I watched the game at my neighborhood Bengals bar again, with some of my friends from Cincy. Before the game we actually talked about how the Bengals really needed a blowout to get their confidence back and start a run at the playoffs. In the first half, our words were prophetic. The offense finally came around and dominated the game. The Chargers' couldn't get any traction on offense, and Palmer and Johnson looked unstoppable. At halftime we were practically giddy. We went across the street and threw the football around in the rain for a little while. Life was good.

Just before halftime, I checked my voicemail. My dad had called, excited about the first half. He ended the message by saying "I hope I didn't put the jinx on them".

(Interestingly enough, I thought about calling or texting a few friends before the 2nd half as well, but for some reason stopped myself. Perhaps it was because I didn't see the point in tempting fate with these Bengals. Or maybe I've just come to terms with the fact that I am hated for loving)

I can't really talk about the 2nd half too much. I will say that what the Chargers did to the Bengal defense was pretty similar to Frank Reich's comeback in 1993. Also, the Bengals defense is very bad. Peyton Manning may put up 80 on them. When Palmer fumbled on the 10 in the 4th quarter with the Bengals up 38-35, I sort of figured the game was over. When Tomlinson scored on the next play, I could feel the soil falling over Cincinnati's head.

During the walk home in the rain, I realized that I hadn't properly stretched before my halftime display of manliness. Stretching is important, I've learned, as one approaches 30. Also, when one has two herniated discs. Really though, at the end of this day, having stabbing pain in my back wasn't entirely inappropriate.